Once Upon A Week

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away ...

Yes, OK, I am mixing my ... somethings. About 20 odd years ago, before I even though about writing my second novel, I had the idea of writing some new fairy stories based on proverbs. A story with a lesson if you like. I only wrote two at the time. The idea stayed with me though and I don't like to waste effort so in the couple of years I wrote another five. I was going to write more but then I hit upon the idea of having a short collection of 7 - one story for each night of one week. Now you get the title - Once Upon A Week.

Now, this is my first effort in the area of children's writing and I didn't know if they would be any good, so I asked a couple of primary school teachers to read them. They gave them the thumbs up so I tried the usual not so happy merry go round with literary agents. Nothing as usual except I did get back one piece of constructional criticism.

One children's literary agent told me they were a good idea but they were too traditional and kids these days wanted something different. OK. So no parents read Snow White and Cinderella to their kids any more?

The fall back position was to publish on Kindle again and hope that this time my book isn't lost in the Amazon jungle.

Seven stories about witches, dragons and trolls as well as an owl, a dog, a cat and two ducks, with a handy life lesson thrown in at the end. One or two parent chuckles along the way hopefully too.

Please check it out for your kiddies bedtime.

Once Upon A Week

Or is you have no little ones you can always try my novels:

Rewind              A humourous but cautionary tale for grown up people who have made a mess of 
                          things and want to go back and start again.

Trouble Cross   A farcical action packed romp into extortion, kidnapping and murder

The choice is yours.

And following on from my last post - which absolutely no one has read - well done the Lionesses for reaching the World Cup semi final.

Thank you VARy much

Greetings! As this blog had as many reads as Baldrick’s “Turnip and Worm Cookbook” I have not posted anything since 2015. And what do I find when I decide I might try again? A great big warning about privacy notices. Of course, I know about the GDPR due to my work in insurance but it never occurred to me that I needed one. I don’t collect information and the only cookies I had were taken by that greedy Cookie Monster.

Anyway, the main reason I am on here again was because it is my only outlet for book news. One of my novels is now available as a paperback on Amazon as well as an e-book. “Rewind” is my latest novel although I am slowly working on another one. It is regarded as my best and I don’t say that myself but the few reviews I have seem to bear this out.

A US website Readers’ Favorite gave it a 4 star review as follows:

“Rewind by David A. Wardle is the story of Jason, who commits suicide on his 40th birthday in the year 2003. However, he doesn't end up dead but wakes up in his eight-year-old body in the year 1971. He still knows everything about his life, about what happened in various years, which scores soccer teams had and so on. Reliving his life was one of his dreams - but when he suddenly got that chance he realizes that things aren't as easy as he would have imagined, especially with horrible parents and the body of an eight-year-old boy.

What the book does very well is to make the reader understand the situation in which Jason finds himself and to portray the man/boy in a very engaging manner. There is a big contrast between the knowledge Jason has - it could turn him into a very influential person - and the weakness he has to live with in the body of an eight-year-old boy with unloving and even violent parents. David A. Wardle manages to create a believable character with believable problems in a rather unbelievable situation. Jason not only faces the typical problems of an eight-year-old nerdy boy (e.g. bullying) but he has to live with the knowledge that he should be able to change everything, to do everything better this time around.

The book is really nicely written, entertaining and witty. David A. Wardle should certainly let the reader know how Jason goes about his life when he gets older. There surely are heaps of stories to tell! I certainly would be interested in reading them.”

The few reviews on Amazon back this up and the only criticism is that I never wrote the follow up – as yet. It just needs discovering. After all, seven people cannot be wrong! Most of them very discerning ladies.

Talking of ladies, hurray for the Women’s World Cup. I have been watching with interest. It is good I think that this is being covered in full by the BBC. The first woman’s football I saw, I think, was an FA Cup Final in the 90’s and the earliest names I can recall are Marieanne Spacey and Rachel Yankey.

I am reminded too of something that happened around that time. I used to play with a group of guys in Hyde Park on Sunday afternoons. One such afternoon, there were not many of us there and a girl in here early 20’s asked to join us. She had jeans on and walking boots and she ran rings around us. She was Norwegian because she asked me what I thought of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer who had just finished his first season at Old Trafford. She wanted to play for a ladies team and was asking about that too. I only knew of Arsenal Ladies at that time and said so. I always wonder if she made it. She was good enough.

What is not good enough though is VAR. Yes, we want cheating out of the game – diving, shirt pulling and other such acts, but on the offside it is all wrong. One of the things strikers are told to do is keep themselves onside by keeping in line with the defenders. However, if now everything is to millimetric precision, not visible with the naked eye, how are they supposed to do that? This is not just my view but others share it. Football, to boil it down to its basic intent, is to put the ball in the net and anything that detracts from that is bad for the spectacle of the game. Offside is part of the rules but if you cannot see the rule how can you play to it? Surely it is reasonable to expect that if the naked eye cannot ascertain offside then it should be let go? How can a player allow for such precision ?Jesse Lingard’s goal for England should have stood. As the attacker he kept himself onside as far as he could tell. It was his big toe that put him offside.

The WWC has suffered too. It should be fun in the Premier League this coming season. Not!

VAR aside the WCC has been good to watch and I was just thinking to myself that the next development will be mixed games. I also said to myself that it will probably happen first in some sort of charity match. And what do you know, in today’s Soccer Aid that will happen.

Anyway, I got a bit off track, but it has been topical. Please check out my novels which have been lost in the Amazon jungle since 2012 and just need a search party. And good luck to the Lionesses for the rest of the tournament.

Rewind

THE FORCE AWEAKENS

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a schoolboy went to a cinema to watch a film and came away feeling the force for a whole week. Today I went to the cinema again, to the lunchtime showing to avoid schoolboys - and girls, as this was the last day of school before the Christmas break.

Is there anyone like me who still calls the first film Star War, not A New Hope, and was totally disinterested in the prequels? I don't go to the cinema usually and it has to be a film I really really want to see. The draw was to see what had happened to original characters.

Fifteen years ago, I had discovered at the library that the story went on well after Jedi. I remember reading The Thrawn trilogy which I had read somewhere the new films were based on, but I didn't recognise anything in the new film. From my recollection of the books; Luke was running a Jedi academy and Han and Leia were married with three children including twins - Jaina and Jacen.

In fact I was so caught up in the continuing stories I actually wrote to George Lucas on 1st October 2000 and suggested he continue the story via a TV series. I pointed out that two so so films had made really successful TV series - in the US if not here - being Stargate and Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I did get a reply saying that there were no plans to continue at that time along with an R2D2 bookmark.

When I heard the characters were coming back I was expecting a bit of what had been written but was surprised. The same start of course and there are a number of parallels with Star Wars but it isn't really that much of a continuation of the previous characters story, the baton being passed to the new characters who, there is no doubt, are strong stuff, and can keep the saga going.

I did though leave the cinema feeling strangely saddened and I don't know whether it was the complete sucker punch I didn't see coming or just realising from watching the original cast how much time has passed when at times I still feel like that schoolboy who felt the force.

POINTLESS!

You may be thinking that is my opinion of this blog, so much so I have not posted anything for over 18 months, however that is not necessarily the case.

Great minds think alike or, another term I have heard, there is nothing new under the sun. Not only have I seen one idea from my first novel used in Naked Gun and another chapter the basis of an episode of Relic Hunter but now my jokes are being nicked.

About three months ago when playing Trivial Pursuits, US politics came up and I hatched a joke. Which two US presidents used to be cops? The answer being Reagan and Carter. A derivative of this joke was just used on Pointless this evening. Amazing really because this is the second time it has happened to me on this programme. Last year I wrote to them and suggested they have a music round and two months later they did on the Celebrity show.

It just goes to show that different minds who have never met can have the same idea.

BIRTHDAY BLUES

Well, another 20th February over for another year. Does anyone enjoy birthdays as little as me? Does anyone sit there and think I shouldn't be this old, I haven't achieved anything. I am not talking about anything spectacular. I haven't even done what normal people do. I should have a settled life now, a wife, maybe kids and a nice house. Instead I a, living like when I first left home in basically a starter flat by myself. Having said that I still feel 24 inside and cannot reconcile my true age but that has been the way for many years.

I spent the day alone again as usual, watching DVDs of my childhood. Not kinds programmes but series I remember. Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), The Persuaders, The New Avengers, The Professionals and Return of the Saint, in chronological order - although the first two I wouldn't have seen when they were originally shown.

How many people are so fed up with their lives they want to go back and start again. I have dreamt of doing this for years. Trying to decide when would be the best age to go back to. That was the reason I wrote my last book "Rewind". I thought as I couldn't do it I would write about it instead. At first I was going to write about exactly what I would do myself if I got the chance. I started off like that and the bit about the bully was about me because I really did get pulled into the old school and get punched. I found though that I had written myself into a corner so then had to make it totally fictional. I don't know if it worked. The few people I know who have read it seem to.

The sum of my achievements so far is my three books, written in my spare time whilst working full time. The first,"Trance", is dead and buried and the other two are just buried in the 300,000 plus rankings above me. At this time, writing this in bed, unable to sleep as usual, I ask myself, do I have any real talent? Below is what someone wrote about my two Kindle novels before they were Kindle novels. He was going to publish them so had a vested interest and I think I now know it was a snow job.

Further to our exchange of e-mails, and rather slower than I anticipated for which I apologise,  I have now had the opportunity of reading Rewind and Tommy Trouble  both of which are highly impressive. They are as good examples of their type as I have read for some considerable time. 

 

I have to confess, that I was so impressed with Rewind that I actually read it twice; once from an analytical, professional point of view, and once purely for my own personal pleasure. Quite simply, it is an excellent novel on every level and one which should appeal to adult readers from a variety of backgrounds and cultures, being particularly resonant with the late 30 and early 40 somethings, who will be able to identify with your narrator and protagonist, Jason, to a high degree. Here we have all the finest ingredients of a captivating novel skillfully blended together with a careful and expert hand, flavoursome throughout, and I was delighted that there was an additional kick of spice right at the very end, when I, as a reader, really thought there could be no more surprises. 

 

In fact, the novel is positively packed with twists, turns and surprises and is totally unpredictable. For example, both the poem, 'Why?' and the Prologue, narrated in the third person, paint an incredibly sorrowful, melancholic scene and we think we are in store for a real tale of woe (albeit one which, as we can already see, will be well told) yet this is far from being the case at all. After the appearance of the Wizard God in Chapter 1, when Jason suddenly finds himself lying in his childhood bunk bed, there is, in fact, a substantial amount of wit, dry humour and real laugh out loud moments in the book. You do retain the serious nature essential to the plot, yet succeed in doing so without ever making the pace slow, the tone dull or the mood overly sombre. 

 

As a writer, you are a natural talent, without doubt, and no diamond in the rough at that; your skills have been honed and polished and, partly because of this and partly because of the utterly mesmerising plot you have crafted, the book is an absolute joy to read. You subtly change the nature of your style so that it meshes perfectly with the content. For example, in the opening, you utilise short, staccato sentences and paragraphs to add suspense so that the whole section reads like an ominously ticking clock, whereas later in the story, when the young Jason, with his adult mind, begins to have a little fun with the life that had formerly disappointed him so much, your method of writing is much more musing and relaxed and, again, often humorous. 

 

In essence, this is every adult's fantasy, and this is why I foresee it having wide appeal. Though few of us have reached a point at which we become so disillusioned we decide to end our life forty years to the day after it began, we all wish we had done things differently and, as Jason is given this gift of retaining the knowledge with which his adult life has furnished him, whilst, essentially, beginning it again, the reader is vicariously able to travel with him on this fantastical journey where anything can, and indeed does, happen.  

 

Personally, I found your use of dialogue to be amongst the strongest literary tools you have employed and one which has certainly been wielded to good effect. There is a large proportion of dialogue in the work and though, when acting as a consultant providing advice to aspiring audiences, this is something I would not advise, you have made it work and, I have to say, I am not quite sure how! Maybe it is because of the realism and credibility it lends to the characters and their predicament, or maybe it is because much of it rings so true; but, whatever the reason, the conversations between characters are a great asset to the work as a whole and introduce an additional element of drama. 

It is mainly for the reasons outlined above, as well as others - such as the edge-of-seat suspense with which the novel is imbued, the vivid characterisation and the sheer innovation and originality of the narrative, that I feel this work is one which would lend itself beautifully to a visual medium, with a film or TV script being, in a way, already half crafted. As the British film industry grows in terms of quality and demand, it is certainly not something which I would rule out. 

 

What is, perhaps, most impressive about the book is that you succeed in drawing all the different strands of the plot together in what is a conclusion which the reader will find both hard to predict yet easy to believe. This is no mean feat when there are so many different narrative elements to the book and you leave no important questions unanswered nor any issues which may have been difficult to resolve hanging. You do, however, leave the reader with a positive feast in the way of food for thought and this is something which few writers have the ability to do, thus ensuring that the book is not only an entertaining one, but also, vitally, very memorable.

 

Tommy Trouble is every bit as an enjoyable read as Rewind, though it may lack the sheer force, the number of times I found myself laughing at your extremely witty dialogue does, in itself, make this a perfect candidate for publication. It is notoriously difficult to write novels which are really amusing, and not simply trying to be and the way you channel the great comedy authors, like Tom Sharpe and Kingsley Amis, is much to be admired. 

 

The narrative is different, (which is great and shows you are no one trick pony) and whereas Rewind has a subtle sub-text and deeper meaning, Tommy Trouble concentrates chiefly on a rip-roaring plot, explosive amounts of action and quite often, utterly hilarious dialogue. 

 

There are a lot of characters who play important parts, be they major or minor and Jenny, Jane, Peter, Cox, Chalky, Vicky and Clarence all play very specific roles. I am honestly amazed at how well crafted each of the characters are, how well they stand out, how three dimensional they are, and how you develop the personality of each one to fit their role in the novel perfectly. The characters, then, contribute as much to the novel as the plot itself. 

 

And what a plot it is! It rather reminds me, in a very positive way, of a comedic James Bond novel with a twist. Thomas, from working at the offices of Pratt, Pratt, Wally and Pratt (which made me chuckle in itself) goes from being a somewhat ordinary character to one who performs extraordinary deeds, and, as we witness the plot unfold, his character burgeons and takes on fascinating and, again, amusing new attributes. 

 

The book is a light read, stresses the importance of entertaining fiction better than anything I have read lately, and should appeal to a male reading audience of a wide range in terms of age and background; definitely a book with which I would part money to own.

 

You can see why it turned my head. I wanted to believe it was true and that I was going to achieve my dream to become a full time writer. It is why I paid a large sum for him to publish them for me on Kindle. Even now it is why I am paying a larger sum just to get one of them in print.

 

 Yet I know in my heart it is doomed really. I look at this whole blog which has been going nearly a year now and see how poor it is. 

 

All that and my recently diagnosed high blood pressure too. Never drunk, never smoked and never done drugs. Is it fair?

 

So another year over. What to expect in this one. United's lowest position in the league since they last got relegated? Probably. An early exit from Brazil for England? Undoubtedly.  And the treadmill plodding on? Definitely.

GET IT WHILST IT'S HOT!

THE END IS NIGH!

Who or what for I hear you ask?

The blog?
No
Rosemary, the telephone operator?
No
Moysie, the mild mannered manager?
Could be?

Phooey! A little Mata of a new signing will keep things phutting along unnicely for a while.

No, in fact it could be this blog but definitely "Trouble Cross" at 97p.

I have finally taken the plunge again and signed a contract with Austin Macauley to publish this book in printed form. Part of this will mean a new e-book version so the existing one on Amazon will have to be unpublished. The pricing is then out of my hands. It is going to cost me more money to do this but it is time to take a bigger risk I feel. At least one of the stories I laboured 4 years of my spare time on will be a proper book - only 14 years after I finished it.

Yes, it could also be the end of this blog. Shush. I can hear the cheers from here. Yet just like I hope TC will rise from the ashes so might a new improved version. Our computer guy at work - Jedi Smith - has the power to create me a website which will attract more traffic. I am seriously thinking about this to increase my infamy, although I have trouble trying (and failing) to keep up an entertaining blog, let alone a website.

There was a little upturn in sales this week. One sale of each book sent me up the ratings from nearly 400,000 to 60,000. A pity no more followed or I could have got up higher and maybe get noticed in the Amazon search lists. I wonder what effect it would have if there were 10 quick sales. I know let's experiment. I need a few volunteers from the audience. OK? Right. You there, and you, and you up there in my home town of Manchester. Get your fingers ready and click on one of the links now.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

Now, that wasn't so bad was it. Not bad for less than a GBP. If there are any results I will trumpet them next week.

In other news, a new type of bird was discovered this week that only east curry - a Kormarant.

Make em laugh. That is what Donald O'Connor sang in "Singing In the Rain" and that's what my books endeavour to do. And if not, well, everyone likes a trier. Don't they?

Nanu nanu.

(Trade Descriptions Disclaimer - there is a typo in the title to this blog. In no way can this blog nor the two books it strives to promote be termed "hot". In my defence "h" and "n" are quite close on the keyboard.)

UNDER PRESSSURE! (ADVENTURES IN AMBULANCING)

What a bloody week!

I get reflective at New Year as I guess many people do. Agonising over the past year and wondering what juggernaut is coming to mow you down in the next. Little did I know that 2014 was going to be a red letter year. Blood red.

On New Year's Day I had a nosebleed. Nothing new in that. Like headaches, I have them occasionally. I am one stressed oddball. It was about 9pm just as "Sherlock" was starting, which was inconvenient because it was necessary to have all one's wits to follow his resurrection, yet I was concentrating on stemming a red tide. It wasn't that bad though, just a few minutes.

Next day it was back to work after 12 days away. I had another one and this was more inconvenient. I was in the toilets, becubicled, with my trousers around my ankles when it started. Yes, there was lots of toilet roll available but I had trouble pulling my trousers up with one hand so I could get out to the sinks. Again though, a normal few minute one.

Enter Friday 3rd January. About 3.30 pm I sneezed and spattered blood all over the partition screen of my desk. I was slower to the toilet than Usian Bolt but not much. Bending over the sink, bloodied paper towels all around and a solicitous "Are you alright" from visitors to the men's room. Word soon got around and after about 30 minutes the ladies decided to storm the gentlemen's bastion. Or rather the first-aid lady did. Ice was tried but didn't work either. Send for the ambulance!

When they got there Niagara was still flowing but the paras had some efficient plugs, until one fell out when they were getting me into this wheeled chair contraption. I think it had stopped by the time we were down in the ambulance. I can tell you it is embarrassing to have to go to hospital in one just for a nosebleed, not least because they wanted to know my age which was a closely guarded secret which even Indiana Jones wouldn't discover.

My blood pressure was high - I saw 165 on the monitor but they didn't tell me the readings - but my ECG was OK. (I like to think I am a guy with a good heart anyway.)

At the hospital it was, of course, all stop. Triage was within an hour I think but I didn't see a doctor until over 4 hours after the nosebleed started. There was nothing to do. They took my BP again and cauterised my nose, although I am certain it was the wrong nostril. I tried to say so but was told that they could see where the bleed was from.

So armed with a letter to my GP I had to get back to London Bridge station by what I think turned out to be an illegal taxi. Certainly there were no markings on it but it had responded to a call from another taxi I had approached but which was already booked.

End of story? Oh no. At noon the next day I had another so I rang NHS Direct which is an experience in itself. I am holding my nose over the sink with tissue stuffed up my nose and being asked twenty questions by someone who couldn't understand what I was saying. I could feel my BP getting higher. By far the most genius question was "Do you think the amount of blood you have lost would fill an average size mug?". How the hell do I know. I am pinching my nostrils to stop the blood coming out.

Anyway, they arrange for an outpatient's appointment for me at my local hospital. I was surprised to say the least it being a Saturday. The appointment was a couple of hours away though, or it was, but when I got there they were 90 minutes behind so I had to go home and come back. That doctor didn't take my BP I don't think but prescribed some cream to put up my nose. Rushing to the chemist before it closed was not conducive to lowering my BP and then the chemist could only fill half the prescription.

Now we get to some medical conflict. At the hospital on the Friday I was given a leaflet advising what to do in nosebleed situations. Head forward and pinching I knew. Do not pick the nose or put anything up it was common sense. No hot drinks for 24 hours was a shock - more later.

Friday - don't put anything up your nose. Saturday - put this cream up your nose twice a day. Let the prevailing advice prevail. I put the stuff up my nose. At 11 pm I had another nosebleed. This time NHS direct got a doctor to ring me back although by that time it had stopped. Once she had the full picture she told me not to by shy of ringing the hospital if one went over 20 or 30 minutes.

Sunday. I was due to go out to get a new microwave has mine had waved microing goodbye. Just as I was about to leave I got another one. this just lasted about 30 minutes so I just left it. Then at 10pm I had another. hen it got to 35 minutes I dialled 999 for the first time in my life. The operator had to refer my request before I was told one had been dispatched. By the time the para got there it had stopped so he just took my BP and made some notes. He advised me that unless it was actually gushing out I could wait up to an hour for it to stop next time. He had never heard of the cream I had been told to snort.

I made it to Monday with no more mishaps. I needed to get into my GP but to try and get through on the phone first thing on a Monday was as easy as Baldrick getting a first at Oxford and Cambridge at the same time. I knew what I had to do. The surgery opens at 8 am and you had to be first in the queue. I took a chance on walking it, hoping the cold would prevent another bleed. I got there at 7.40 am and was first but only just as a car pulled up in front of the surgery as I got there. By the time it opened there were about ten people behind me.

I had a book with me to while away the long wait but fortunately I got an 8.30 am slot. The doctor took my BP - which was still high - and read the letter. He put me down for blood tests and also a 24 hour BP monitoring. Eager to get this sorted I informed him of my Axa PPP status but he said we were still in the general practice area. Also, he knew about the nose cream and told me to use it and he also agreed an hour could be waited before seeking medical help.

NOTHING UP THE NOSE. CREAM UP THE NOSE. 20 MINUTES. 30 MINUTES. 60 MINUTES.

Do you want 50/50, ask the audience or phone a friend?

Fortunately, I have had no bleeds since then, touch wood - he said patting himself on the head. The blood tests were done this Friday, a week after the initial eruption, and the BP monitoring is not until 29th January.

The thing is so I am told, is that high BP does not create a nosebleed but it makes it worse because of the higher pressure. Therefore it is not the nosebleed per se that is being investigated but the BP. Now, in August 2013 I was off work with stress but conversely my BP was OK. In December after a nose infection it was higher around 140 and the doctor told me to go back in a month for a check-up. Two weeks later it was 163 / 165 and the highest 178 over 105 to 110. I struggle to understand what happened since August to make my blood boil so. Yet I am told it can be accumulative rather than one thing.

So the two cuplrits could be Manchester United foe their abject performances that leave me climbing the walls and YOU!. Metaphorically speaking that is. "YOU" meaning my non adoring public, staying away in droves from buying my very cheap books which I sweated blood on.

The year has only just started and I am already under pressure. And it could get worse. England may not win the World Cup.

THE WRITE STUFF?

The first day of a new year. Last year at this time I was still full of hope that my two books - newly issued as e-books - would launch my writing career. One year on it is demoralising how few people have wanted to read them.

How does one get discovered? Does one deserve to be discovered? The latter question is probably the most pertinent. The books are out there but are not being read. Is this because they are badly written, just don't appeal or is it just the fact that my marketing is poor. Let's face it, I couldn't sell an igloo to a wealthy but homeless Eskimo.

These attempts at blogging were a poor attempt to get things moving. This was suggested to me as one of the main ways to drum up interest but have not found the magic touch.

At this present time I am contemplating making an author's contribution to see "Trouble Cross" in print, which I feel now is a chance I have to take. This would then at least be marketed properly and may boost sales of "Rewind" also.

Yet, I fell I need to do something more. I am relying on past glories - if that is the right word. "Trouble Cross" was written during the period 1996/2000 and "Rewind" during 2000/2004. I haven't written anything new in ages and I think I need to do so. I have 4 projects I could start and two of these I have at least dabbled in already.

A new novel or kid's stories? Which should I pursue. I have set up pages with the rough first drafts of what I have written thus far - in effect two chapters on both.

It would be good to know which direction to take. Anyone wishing to leave a comment on which is best or the most appealing, please do, or if neither are worthy , none of the above will do.

Thanks. And best wishes to all for 2014.

FOOTBALL? A FUNNY OLD GAME? (US TRANSLATION - SOCCER? MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU?)

"And welcome to the inaugural match of the new Deluxe Paints Primership. My name is John Dotson and this is football but not as we know it."

"How do you mean, John?"

"That viewers, is one of my co-commentators for today, Andrea Grey. And as she well knows this is a new league set up by the richest man in the world, Mustafa Zillions. Not content with just owning a football team like most billionaires, he has created his own league."

"And what can we expect from this new league, Dotty?"

"My other co-commentator, ladies and gentlemen, Don Atkins. Well, for all those of you who don't know, and I would think that very few in view of the wall to wall advertisements on Skye-Hi TV, this is a mixed veterans league. Yes, you heard it here. Men and women playing in the same team. Men over 35 and women over 30."

"That's what you call shaking the game up!"

"It certainly is Don. But there are some other changes to the rules that I won't go into now. It may be more interesting for the viewers if we explain these as and when they crop up."

"Precisely, John. That will get things buzzing. But would you call the fans at home viewers or readers? Are they viewing this or reading it. I would think the latter."

"Well Andrea, that can be a point for discussion at another time. The players are out warming up and we just need to nip back to the studio. Gary?"

"Thanks John," said Gary Goalgetter, as he turned to his guests in the studio, Alun Handsome and Lark Morrison. "Well, Alun. Here it is. What do you think of this new Vets League?"

"Well, Gary, I've said this before and I'll say it again. You can't win anything with vets. I think it's a bad idea."

"Lark? How do you sing on this one?"

"We will have to wait and see I think, Gary. With the diet and fitness regimes now players can go on for a lot longer, especially if they are not running all over the place after young whippersnappers."

"And Alun, what do you think of the teams then?"

"It's impossible to say at this point. The rule about not letting any ex professional players in means that we have nothing to go on."

"Yeah! What's that all about anyway?"

"Well, we'll just have to wait and see gentlemen. It's back to the stadium now for the teams and then hopefully some action. John?"

"Thanks Gary. Well, we do have the teams for you. For Manchester Unity, in goal is Petra Schmichael-Owen, then the back four is Willie Donkey on the left, centre backs Vinny Corporation and Steve Spruce, and on the right Gabriella Hinesbean. In the middle of the park we have Peter Weed and Carol Sikorsky. On the left wing is Bryan Riggs and on the right Waynetta Gooney. The two strikers are Erica King-Cantango and Dwayne Gooney. And, yes, before you ask Waynetta and Dwayne are related. Twins in fact."

"Everpool have Sheila Bubblebath in goal. Back four of Barry Tablet, Falon Anson, Dave Wattsup and Phillipa Wheel. Midfield is Steve Roadworks, Graeme Sourness, Sammi Leeway and Wanda Slimper. Up front Lynn Acre and Penny Dogleash."

"What about substitutes, John? I believe that there is something unusual there?"

"Definitely right there, Andrea.. It is roll on roll off substitutes, similar to any Saturday or Sunday amateur vets football. You can use as many as you like and the same player can go back on after being taken off. This means, of course, that the whole non starting squad can be on the bench."

"Must be one hell of a bench, Dotty!"

"You can be the judge of that, Don. On the Manchester bench in alphabetical order we have; Serge Aggro, Greville Breville, Mick Cannon, Jo Cardigan, Leigh Carp, Roberta Charleston, Carlo Cerveza, Stevie Doppleganger, Denise Flaw, Oleg Gunner-Sergeant, Alex Hackney, Mary Hailey, Ryan Hobson, Alan Ki, Louise Macaroni, Frances Pea, Rod Van Pistolboy, Rodney Quagmire, Colin Ringer, Miles Sequin, Brian Skidd, Marie-Ann Spaceship, Denny Stewart, Mike Winterski and last but not least, so I am led to believe, Georgie Zest."

"Everpool have on their bench: Joan Barnstorm, Pietro Beagle, Graeme Blunt, Jimney Caseworker, Kevin Cathill, Toni Cutie, Geri Evens, David Faircrack, Marie-Anne Fellover, Andy Fray, Peter Goatee, Rachel Hankie, Felicity Jagdriver, Kate Kennedy, Bob Matchball, Stevie McBarn, Timothy Molehill, Pat Never, Clementine Raymond, Jo Regal, Jamie Rucsack, Kevin Greedy, Neville Southpole, Hope Towel and John Walkover.

"The referee for today's prestige game is Mark Battenberg ably assisted by his assistants; Shawna Classy and Linda Looselace."

"Wow. That's a lot of names to remember, John."

"Luckily, I have them written down, Andrea. Hopefully, there will only be 22 players on the pitch at any one time."

"Obviously nothing of these players is known to the public. What can you tell us, John/"

"Not much I'm afraid, Andrea. For Manchester all I can tell you is that Riggs is their lethal weapon and Sikorsky is known as "Chopper" for her tackling. Schmichael -Owen can either play in goal or as a striker. Oh, and a couple of strange facts. Hinesbean wears number fifty seven even though there is only 36 in the squad and Alan Ki on the bench is known as Clive. By the way, Georgie Zest would be playing today but I understand is just back from injury. As for Everpool Lynn Acre and Dogleash are the ones to watch out for."

"Dotty, I've been looking down the list and if I'm right all the keepers other than one are female. Why is that do you think."

"I'm not certain, Don, but I guess it's because the ladies are more likely to keep clean sheets. By, the way Don, I understand that your son is on the management of the Manchester team?"

"Yes, that's right, Dotty. Assistant manager."

"Well, we'll certainly keep an eye out for him. I hope I'm not talking out of turn but I hear that he has a bit of a temper on him."

"Don't know where he gets it from, I'm sure. By the way, are Manchester Unity allowed to put a Ringer on the bench?"

"Apparently so. Anyway, readers slash viewers, it is nearly time for kick-off. The inaugural match in the Primership and it's coming up next. Live! In about a week or so after we have had a number of  hours worth of words from our sponsors."

INTERMISSION

Tune in next time for whistle stop action.

 (If you can't wait you need to download one of my books to be going on with. See previous entries.)

TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN

It is that time of year again. A time of reflection on things past and hopes for the future. It is a particular bad time for hundreds, maybe thousands of individuals who look back at 2013 and see nothing positive. And demoralised and devoid of  inspiration, all they see ahead in 2014 is a blank page.

The world needs these people to save us from the same old rehashed tales. They should be the creative lifeblood of literature, TV and film. They are the ideas people but only so few get through.

So make a difference in 2014 and sponsor a writer.

Everyone and is dog is writing a book these days. If there are that many writers around why are we treated to so many film remakes when there are so many new stories out there.

If you have a famous name from a different field then your chance of publication is far greater than someone having to work full time to survive and labours on their dream in their spare time. Once you have spent a few years on your creation, the pride of the finished article is soon diminished by the thick file of rejection letters from the literary agents. You have a better chance of getting someone from TOWIE to solve a simultaneous equation.

No problem, self publishing is easy these days. DIY or pay someone else to do it and then watch as the sales don't happen. If you are not a networker you may as well not have bothered as you wallow in the 300,000 plus rankings.

This blog - (please do not sue me under the Trade Descriptions Act) - arose from the need to market and get the word out there. Has it worked? Can England win the World Cup?

As you prepare for the New Year and wrestle with your finalising your resolutions, have a Kindley thought for those of us stranded down the Amazon without a canoe, let alone a paddle.

Just 97p will buy one e-book and if two thousand and fourteen people do that then it may be a Happy New Year.

It is so easy to sponsor a writer. No premium phonelines or text messages are required. Just follow the links.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Govember was a bust. Keycember has been a wash-out  - and I don't just mean the weather. Let's look forward to Fanuary - the month of the new followers.

Good luck to all who wander across here for 2014.

Nanu nanu.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS (OH NO IT'S NOT!)

Happy Birthday to Rewind
Happy Birthday Trouble Cross
Happy Birthday my E-books
But your sales are so dross.

Just a quickie to commemorate that my books were launched a year ago today.

The scores on the doors are "Rewind" 30 (UK 24 US 6) and "Trouble Cross" 17 (UK only) - although when I offered the latter for free for 2 days 95 were downloaded (UK 42 and US 53).

For anyone who feels sorry for me I am not proud and will accept a sympathy buy.

SPREAD A LITTLE CHRISTMAS KINDLENESS

Twas the day before the 18th night before Christmas.

First there was Stoptober, then there was Govember but now it's KEYCEMBER!

It is a Key month for me certainly. My e-books have been out a year and I need a boost up the rankings please.

Christmas is almost upon us and it's that time of year when one has trouble deciding whether to buy socks for the seventeenth time in a row or another Christmas jumper. Why not spread a little Kindleness this year. Buy your nearest and dearest a little Kindle and as a super surprise have it pre-loaded for them with a couple of 97p crackers.

Believe me, everyone will need something to read this year. The TV on Christmas Day probably rates about the worst I have ever seen. Oft seen films and repeats. ITV has repeats all day until 6.30 pm then it's an hour of Emmerdale Farmyawn, an hour of Coronation Chicken Street and two hours of Downturn Abbey. Do they think we are all soapheads and costume drama fiends. There is not one film premiere. The only thing worth watching is the new episode of Doctor Who on BBC1.

So every one get your Kindle out if you want a laugh this Christmas. You know the title by now but just in case a new person has stumbled across this blog on the landscape. Nudge nudge link link.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Thank you for your Kindle attention.

In other news the Everton A team beat the Everton B team and brought us to an all time low, or it certainly feels that way. All I want for Christmas is our team back. I was just about to give up on this season and think, roll on Brazil, but then came the draw. I don't think I'll be getting to jungle fever pitch this time either.

Anyway, Carry On Christmas Shopping and you know what to put on the list.

Nanu nanu.

DOCTOR WHO TO THE RESCUE?

No blog last week as I was incapacitated by a throat infection - hurrah I hear you say. GOVEMBER is working as well as a ceratin chameleon circuit. Not one sale this month.

Well, it was the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor you know Who last night, shown simultaneously in over 90 countries. I don't think I can call myself a Whovian but I have got caught up in the 50 year focus over the past weeks. Doctor Who wasn't on much in our house from what I can recall. My parents were in charge of the TV and they only watched ITV most of the time. I have vague recollections of Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker but I don't think it was regular viewing. I certainly don't remember watching anything of Doctors 5 to 7. I have been a regular viewer since the reboot though.

I must confess myself a little confused by last night's story in a few areas and that could be a case of a little knowledge is dangerous.

Firstly, if The War Doctor was the regeneration between the 8th Doctor - Paul McGann - and what we thought of the 9th Doctor Christopher Eccleston, then presumably in all the episodes of the first 7 doctors there can have been no reference to his actions leading to the destruction of his planet and people. Not being an expert I don't know.

Secondly, if the doctor can regenerate 12 times then that is 13 Doctors and if you include John Hurt - and exclude Peter Cushing - there have been 12. Peter Capaldi will be the thirteenth. Unlucky for some - mainly The Doctor. Or is last night's doings supposed to reset the board?

Roll on Christmas Day I guess for some answers.

Anyway, regular readers of this blog - I think there is at least one - will want to know how I can turn a Doctor Who review into a sales pitch for my books. It can't be done I hear you snigger.

If you haven't got a blue police box but you wonder what it would be like to turn back the clock and start again see "Rewind".

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

If you miss the Doctor and need a laugh, turn to "Doctor! Oh No!" in "Trouble Cross" or check it out for free on the W7 page of this blog.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Ha ha. told you I could do it.  From one DW to another. And to all of you I have just one thing to say. Just pick one of  them and think TARDIS.

To
All
Readers
Download
It
Soon

Please. And thank you.


Now my thoughts are in Cardiff. No, not The Doctor this time. An institution not quite as old. Giggsy is 10 years behind but should be playing today. I'm off to buy the Jelly Babies.

Nanu nanu.

OCTOBER - THE FORCE WASN'T WITH ME!

A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away a lone boy existed in a desolate wilderness..........but that's another story.

A colleague at work last week said to me he thought i would have been at the open auditions for Star Wars. I didn't know what he was talking about at the time but now I am up on the Force.  I knew he was joking at the time of course  but I didn't know how much. I may be 24 inside but can only pass for 37 on the outside. It did though allow me to reveal my tenuous and fantastical link to the new films.

I have a copy of a letter I wrote to George Lucas on 1st October 2000. It went like this:

1st October 2000


Dear Mr Lucas

I am writing to you with an idea that I have had which you have probably already thought of or had brought to your attention before. If it has and has been disregarded I apologise for troubling you.

When I have a creative idea it burns fiercely inside and no matter how silly it seems at times I feel the need to outline it to someone, just in case it proves to be of worthwhile consideration. You are a creative genius and multimillionaire whilst I slave away in an insurance office whilst trying to persuade someone to publish the novel I have written in my spare time. Therefore,in one way, it feels nonsensical to be doing this but on the other hand, just in case no one has thought of this - and the chances of winning the lottery are better - I feel compelled to write.

It must be about a year ago that I discovered that the ongoing adventures of Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Hans Solo and the rest were being published in a series of novels. There must be millions of people interested in the ongoing saga as evidenced by the fact that each Star Wars novel published becomes an instant bestseller. Whilst I believe that after the three prequels the films will be finished there will be a vast untapped area of the Star Wars universe to discover. If there are going to be no more films, how then to tap into this vast interest potential of the non-reading public?

There have been occasions when a so-so film has been turned into a first rate television series e.g. Star Gate and Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. A great film such as Star Wars could continue as a sensational television series that would be in great demand. There must be at least twenty novels spanning at least 20 years since the events in "Return of the Jedi" and it still continues. Unabated material for as long as the interest continues.

As I have already stated, you must have already considered this and discounted it, or maybe, put it on the back burner until the films are completed, although you probably already have other projects planned and have opted to put Star Wars to bed. Yet even "a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away" miracles do sometimes happen.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

I did receive a stock reply and an R2D2 bookmark from GL's secretary, Anne Merryfield.

OK it is Disney now and film not TV but still. A visionary or what?

I think the Thrawn trilogy was the first follow on books I read. It was difficult to keep track as I only wanted to follow the story of the main characters and there were a lot of off shot stories. Still I recall that Solo and Leia got married and had kids - twins plus one I think - and Luke started a Jedi academy.

That was 13 years ago - unlucky for me - because I am still slaving away in insurance. The book I referred to in the letter was "Trouble Cross" which I had just finished. "Rewind" was not even an inkling at this time as I didn't start that until 2004.

Now, how do I tie this in with a clever link to my books languishing on Amazon. Followers of this blog - who am I kidding - will know that I am Hans Solo in my mission to raise my titles in the rankings so at least they show up on search lists. Anyway, for what it's worth.

At least half the Star Wars fans must also have liked Mel Brooks' "Spaceballs". You can't beat a good spoof. "Trouble Cross" is sort of spoofish, especially the Bond spoof portion, "Doctor! Oh No!" which you can read for free - No W7, I expect you to die page.

That's all I have. No links today. There are plenty in the other posts.

The Skywalker's the limit. Leia all your 97 pences on me. Don't let me go Solo into a black hole.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH MY AMAZON RANKINGS!

 

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 5TH OF GOVEMBER

Go! Vember what I said on Sunday! Let's fire my works to the top. Guys fork out just 97p to be part of the meteoric rise. Let it be a month to remember.

Rocket to Rewind.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

Catherine, Wheel over to Trouble Cross
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Sparkling reads for les than the price of a sparkler.

Be part of the meteroric rise up the ranks - hopefully.

THANK YOU!

GO VEMBER! GOVEMBER IS HERE!

Govember is here! I thought I made this up but on investigation I find I wasn't the first to think of this. No surprise really. Look, what they did with October, Stoptober. So what can I do with November? One of the P G chimps could have got it.

It just goes to show you that there is nothing original under the sun. That is a defence I heard in "Suits" and is one I have had to live with. My first novel "Trance" which I wrote at 18 had a car chase involving a learner driver which then turned up in one of the Naked Gun films. Chapter 8 of the same novel consisted of the baddie big game hunter hunting the last and perfect prey - man - i.e the goodie, which I saw as an episode of "Relic Hunter" entitled "Run Sydney Run." Both these were aired after my book was vanity published and I had written those plots years before that.

Anyway, back to my Govember or Go Vember. Is vember a word I hear you ask? Surprisingly it is, according to the urban dictionary. "Vember - An adrenaline rush, something that makes you nervous, neurotic, up-tight,etc." I am certainly neurotic and up tight about my non existent book sales. Stoptober was very accurate as there was not one sale. So Go Vember means please go and give me an adrenaline rush. In the last month before the anniversary of the book launch let us have the best yet. For less than one measley GBP you could be part of a revolution.

GO VEMBER!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383484908&sr=8-1&keywords=david+wardle

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1383484977&sr=8-2&keywords=david+wardle

Download now if you fancy a laugh today. Or alternatively you can be part of the fireworks on Tuesday. Revember, revember the 5th of November. Let's make it a day to revember.

And my deepest up front thanks for those of you who take part.

In other news, back to back wins for the Everton B team and the C team got through to the next round of the League Milk Littlewoods Rumbelows Coca-Cola Worthington Carling Capital One Cup.

And did you hear, Newcastle have unveiled a new club flag - the Krul and Cross Bones.

Nanu nanu.

GOVEMBER!

Given up smoking this month? Need something to do with your hands? Get a Kindle. And I know just the two books you can start off with - ha ha.

Seriously, I have never partaken of the weed so I was shocked that Stoptober had an effect on me. Stop in October doesn't mean stop buying my books. The minute trickle that was has ceased and I need a dam buster.

Now next month is what I like to call Govember. Yes, go to Amazon and download a little piece of mystery. The mystery being how to make a commercial success of an e-book. GOVEMBER! Yes, let's hope it catches on. Let it do for e-books what George Lucas did for E-woks.

GO ON! GOVEMBER!

If neither of my books make you laugh at least once then I'm a monkey's uncle. (Now, have you heard about my nephew Cheetah.)

Of course, GOVEMBER is still a dozen days away but why not beat the rush.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1382270093&sr=1-2&keywords=david+wardle

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1382270145&sr=1-1&keywords=david+wardle

In other news, the publisher who offered me a contract on "Trouble Cross" subject to my payment of £2,900, had another look at "Rewind" at my request following the Readers Favorite review. They still do not think it is suitable for their listings. Go figure. My non-adoring public have bought "Rewind" in the ones whilst "Trouble Cross" was once in a turquoise moon. You could say I couldn't give it away but you would be wrong. When it was free for two days, 108 were downloaded. Is everybody a freedownloader?

And finally, what has DM done to the team? No not that DM - although this could be termed a Danger Grouse. We can't end up as a Moyle on the bottom of the PL? Can we? Tenfold says we can. Worse than last year by tenfold - he he. At least we'll have Rio.

Don't forget! GOVEMBER!