THE END IS NIGH!
Who or what for I hear you ask?
The blog?
No
Rosemary, the telephone operator?
No
Moysie, the mild mannered manager?
Could be?
Phooey! A little Mata of a new signing will keep things phutting along unnicely for a while.
No, in fact it could be this blog but definitely "Trouble Cross" at 97p.
I have finally taken the plunge again and signed a contract with Austin Macauley to publish this book in printed form. Part of this will mean a new e-book version so the existing one on Amazon will have to be unpublished. The pricing is then out of my hands. It is going to cost me more money to do this but it is time to take a bigger risk I feel. At least one of the stories I laboured 4 years of my spare time on will be a proper book - only 14 years after I finished it.
Yes, it could also be the end of this blog. Shush. I can hear the cheers from here. Yet just like I hope TC will rise from the ashes so might a new improved version. Our computer guy at work - Jedi Smith - has the power to create me a website which will attract more traffic. I am seriously thinking about this to increase my infamy, although I have trouble trying (and failing) to keep up an entertaining blog, let alone a website.
There was a little upturn in sales this week. One sale of each book sent me up the ratings from nearly 400,000 to 60,000. A pity no more followed or I could have got up higher and maybe get noticed in the Amazon search lists. I wonder what effect it would have if there were 10 quick sales. I know let's experiment. I need a few volunteers from the audience. OK? Right. You there, and you, and you up there in my home town of Manchester. Get your fingers ready and click on one of the links now.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6
Now, that wasn't so bad was it. Not bad for less than a GBP. If there are any results I will trumpet them next week.
In other news, a new type of bird was discovered this week that only east curry - a Kormarant.
Make em laugh. That is what Donald O'Connor sang in "Singing In the Rain" and that's what my books endeavour to do. And if not, well, everyone likes a trier. Don't they?
Nanu nanu.
(Trade Descriptions Disclaimer - there is a typo in the title to this blog. In no way can this blog nor the two books it strives to promote be termed "hot". In my defence "h" and "n" are quite close on the keyboard.)
Sunday, 26 January 2014
Sunday, 12 January 2014
UNDER PRESSSURE! (ADVENTURES IN AMBULANCING)
What a bloody week!
I get reflective at New Year as I guess many people do. Agonising over the past year and wondering what juggernaut is coming to mow you down in the next. Little did I know that 2014 was going to be a red letter year. Blood red.
On New Year's Day I had a nosebleed. Nothing new in that. Like headaches, I have them occasionally. I am one stressed oddball. It was about 9pm just as "Sherlock" was starting, which was inconvenient because it was necessary to have all one's wits to follow his resurrection, yet I was concentrating on stemming a red tide. It wasn't that bad though, just a few minutes.
Next day it was back to work after 12 days away. I had another one and this was more inconvenient. I was in the toilets, becubicled, with my trousers around my ankles when it started. Yes, there was lots of toilet roll available but I had trouble pulling my trousers up with one hand so I could get out to the sinks. Again though, a normal few minute one.
Enter Friday 3rd January. About 3.30 pm I sneezed and spattered blood all over the partition screen of my desk. I was slower to the toilet than Usian Bolt but not much. Bending over the sink, bloodied paper towels all around and a solicitous "Are you alright" from visitors to the men's room. Word soon got around and after about 30 minutes the ladies decided to storm the gentlemen's bastion. Or rather the first-aid lady did. Ice was tried but didn't work either. Send for the ambulance!
When they got there Niagara was still flowing but the paras had some efficient plugs, until one fell out when they were getting me into this wheeled chair contraption. I think it had stopped by the time we were down in the ambulance. I can tell you it is embarrassing to have to go to hospital in one just for a nosebleed, not least because they wanted to know my age which was a closely guarded secret which even Indiana Jones wouldn't discover.
My blood pressure was high - I saw 165 on the monitor but they didn't tell me the readings - but my ECG was OK. (I like to think I am a guy with a good heart anyway.)
At the hospital it was, of course, all stop. Triage was within an hour I think but I didn't see a doctor until over 4 hours after the nosebleed started. There was nothing to do. They took my BP again and cauterised my nose, although I am certain it was the wrong nostril. I tried to say so but was told that they could see where the bleed was from.
So armed with a letter to my GP I had to get back to London Bridge station by what I think turned out to be an illegal taxi. Certainly there were no markings on it but it had responded to a call from another taxi I had approached but which was already booked.
End of story? Oh no. At noon the next day I had another so I rang NHS Direct which is an experience in itself. I am holding my nose over the sink with tissue stuffed up my nose and being asked twenty questions by someone who couldn't understand what I was saying. I could feel my BP getting higher. By far the most genius question was "Do you think the amount of blood you have lost would fill an average size mug?". How the hell do I know. I am pinching my nostrils to stop the blood coming out.
Anyway, they arrange for an outpatient's appointment for me at my local hospital. I was surprised to say the least it being a Saturday. The appointment was a couple of hours away though, or it was, but when I got there they were 90 minutes behind so I had to go home and come back. That doctor didn't take my BP I don't think but prescribed some cream to put up my nose. Rushing to the chemist before it closed was not conducive to lowering my BP and then the chemist could only fill half the prescription.
Now we get to some medical conflict. At the hospital on the Friday I was given a leaflet advising what to do in nosebleed situations. Head forward and pinching I knew. Do not pick the nose or put anything up it was common sense. No hot drinks for 24 hours was a shock - more later.
Friday - don't put anything up your nose. Saturday - put this cream up your nose twice a day. Let the prevailing advice prevail. I put the stuff up my nose. At 11 pm I had another nosebleed. This time NHS direct got a doctor to ring me back although by that time it had stopped. Once she had the full picture she told me not to by shy of ringing the hospital if one went over 20 or 30 minutes.
Sunday. I was due to go out to get a new microwave has mine had waved microing goodbye. Just as I was about to leave I got another one. this just lasted about 30 minutes so I just left it. Then at 10pm I had another. hen it got to 35 minutes I dialled 999 for the first time in my life. The operator had to refer my request before I was told one had been dispatched. By the time the para got there it had stopped so he just took my BP and made some notes. He advised me that unless it was actually gushing out I could wait up to an hour for it to stop next time. He had never heard of the cream I had been told to snort.
I made it to Monday with no more mishaps. I needed to get into my GP but to try and get through on the phone first thing on a Monday was as easy as Baldrick getting a first at Oxford and Cambridge at the same time. I knew what I had to do. The surgery opens at 8 am and you had to be first in the queue. I took a chance on walking it, hoping the cold would prevent another bleed. I got there at 7.40 am and was first but only just as a car pulled up in front of the surgery as I got there. By the time it opened there were about ten people behind me.
I had a book with me to while away the long wait but fortunately I got an 8.30 am slot. The doctor took my BP - which was still high - and read the letter. He put me down for blood tests and also a 24 hour BP monitoring. Eager to get this sorted I informed him of my Axa PPP status but he said we were still in the general practice area. Also, he knew about the nose cream and told me to use it and he also agreed an hour could be waited before seeking medical help.
NOTHING UP THE NOSE. CREAM UP THE NOSE. 20 MINUTES. 30 MINUTES. 60 MINUTES.
Do you want 50/50, ask the audience or phone a friend?
Fortunately, I have had no bleeds since then, touch wood - he said patting himself on the head. The blood tests were done this Friday, a week after the initial eruption, and the BP monitoring is not until 29th January.
The thing is so I am told, is that high BP does not create a nosebleed but it makes it worse because of the higher pressure. Therefore it is not the nosebleed per se that is being investigated but the BP. Now, in August 2013 I was off work with stress but conversely my BP was OK. In December after a nose infection it was higher around 140 and the doctor told me to go back in a month for a check-up. Two weeks later it was 163 / 165 and the highest 178 over 105 to 110. I struggle to understand what happened since August to make my blood boil so. Yet I am told it can be accumulative rather than one thing.
So the two cuplrits could be Manchester United foe their abject performances that leave me climbing the walls and YOU!. Metaphorically speaking that is. "YOU" meaning my non adoring public, staying away in droves from buying my very cheap books which I sweated blood on.
The year has only just started and I am already under pressure. And it could get worse. England may not win the World Cup.
I get reflective at New Year as I guess many people do. Agonising over the past year and wondering what juggernaut is coming to mow you down in the next. Little did I know that 2014 was going to be a red letter year. Blood red.
On New Year's Day I had a nosebleed. Nothing new in that. Like headaches, I have them occasionally. I am one stressed oddball. It was about 9pm just as "Sherlock" was starting, which was inconvenient because it was necessary to have all one's wits to follow his resurrection, yet I was concentrating on stemming a red tide. It wasn't that bad though, just a few minutes.
Next day it was back to work after 12 days away. I had another one and this was more inconvenient. I was in the toilets, becubicled, with my trousers around my ankles when it started. Yes, there was lots of toilet roll available but I had trouble pulling my trousers up with one hand so I could get out to the sinks. Again though, a normal few minute one.
Enter Friday 3rd January. About 3.30 pm I sneezed and spattered blood all over the partition screen of my desk. I was slower to the toilet than Usian Bolt but not much. Bending over the sink, bloodied paper towels all around and a solicitous "Are you alright" from visitors to the men's room. Word soon got around and after about 30 minutes the ladies decided to storm the gentlemen's bastion. Or rather the first-aid lady did. Ice was tried but didn't work either. Send for the ambulance!
When they got there Niagara was still flowing but the paras had some efficient plugs, until one fell out when they were getting me into this wheeled chair contraption. I think it had stopped by the time we were down in the ambulance. I can tell you it is embarrassing to have to go to hospital in one just for a nosebleed, not least because they wanted to know my age which was a closely guarded secret which even Indiana Jones wouldn't discover.
My blood pressure was high - I saw 165 on the monitor but they didn't tell me the readings - but my ECG was OK. (I like to think I am a guy with a good heart anyway.)
At the hospital it was, of course, all stop. Triage was within an hour I think but I didn't see a doctor until over 4 hours after the nosebleed started. There was nothing to do. They took my BP again and cauterised my nose, although I am certain it was the wrong nostril. I tried to say so but was told that they could see where the bleed was from.
So armed with a letter to my GP I had to get back to London Bridge station by what I think turned out to be an illegal taxi. Certainly there were no markings on it but it had responded to a call from another taxi I had approached but which was already booked.
End of story? Oh no. At noon the next day I had another so I rang NHS Direct which is an experience in itself. I am holding my nose over the sink with tissue stuffed up my nose and being asked twenty questions by someone who couldn't understand what I was saying. I could feel my BP getting higher. By far the most genius question was "Do you think the amount of blood you have lost would fill an average size mug?". How the hell do I know. I am pinching my nostrils to stop the blood coming out.
Anyway, they arrange for an outpatient's appointment for me at my local hospital. I was surprised to say the least it being a Saturday. The appointment was a couple of hours away though, or it was, but when I got there they were 90 minutes behind so I had to go home and come back. That doctor didn't take my BP I don't think but prescribed some cream to put up my nose. Rushing to the chemist before it closed was not conducive to lowering my BP and then the chemist could only fill half the prescription.
Now we get to some medical conflict. At the hospital on the Friday I was given a leaflet advising what to do in nosebleed situations. Head forward and pinching I knew. Do not pick the nose or put anything up it was common sense. No hot drinks for 24 hours was a shock - more later.
Friday - don't put anything up your nose. Saturday - put this cream up your nose twice a day. Let the prevailing advice prevail. I put the stuff up my nose. At 11 pm I had another nosebleed. This time NHS direct got a doctor to ring me back although by that time it had stopped. Once she had the full picture she told me not to by shy of ringing the hospital if one went over 20 or 30 minutes.
Sunday. I was due to go out to get a new microwave has mine had waved microing goodbye. Just as I was about to leave I got another one. this just lasted about 30 minutes so I just left it. Then at 10pm I had another. hen it got to 35 minutes I dialled 999 for the first time in my life. The operator had to refer my request before I was told one had been dispatched. By the time the para got there it had stopped so he just took my BP and made some notes. He advised me that unless it was actually gushing out I could wait up to an hour for it to stop next time. He had never heard of the cream I had been told to snort.
I made it to Monday with no more mishaps. I needed to get into my GP but to try and get through on the phone first thing on a Monday was as easy as Baldrick getting a first at Oxford and Cambridge at the same time. I knew what I had to do. The surgery opens at 8 am and you had to be first in the queue. I took a chance on walking it, hoping the cold would prevent another bleed. I got there at 7.40 am and was first but only just as a car pulled up in front of the surgery as I got there. By the time it opened there were about ten people behind me.
I had a book with me to while away the long wait but fortunately I got an 8.30 am slot. The doctor took my BP - which was still high - and read the letter. He put me down for blood tests and also a 24 hour BP monitoring. Eager to get this sorted I informed him of my Axa PPP status but he said we were still in the general practice area. Also, he knew about the nose cream and told me to use it and he also agreed an hour could be waited before seeking medical help.
NOTHING UP THE NOSE. CREAM UP THE NOSE. 20 MINUTES. 30 MINUTES. 60 MINUTES.
Do you want 50/50, ask the audience or phone a friend?
Fortunately, I have had no bleeds since then, touch wood - he said patting himself on the head. The blood tests were done this Friday, a week after the initial eruption, and the BP monitoring is not until 29th January.
The thing is so I am told, is that high BP does not create a nosebleed but it makes it worse because of the higher pressure. Therefore it is not the nosebleed per se that is being investigated but the BP. Now, in August 2013 I was off work with stress but conversely my BP was OK. In December after a nose infection it was higher around 140 and the doctor told me to go back in a month for a check-up. Two weeks later it was 163 / 165 and the highest 178 over 105 to 110. I struggle to understand what happened since August to make my blood boil so. Yet I am told it can be accumulative rather than one thing.
So the two cuplrits could be Manchester United foe their abject performances that leave me climbing the walls and YOU!. Metaphorically speaking that is. "YOU" meaning my non adoring public, staying away in droves from buying my very cheap books which I sweated blood on.
The year has only just started and I am already under pressure. And it could get worse. England may not win the World Cup.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
THE WRITE STUFF?
The first day of a new year. Last year at this time I was still full of hope that my two books - newly issued as e-books - would launch my writing career. One year on it is demoralising how few people have wanted to read them.
How does one get discovered? Does one deserve to be discovered? The latter question is probably the most pertinent. The books are out there but are not being read. Is this because they are badly written, just don't appeal or is it just the fact that my marketing is poor. Let's face it, I couldn't sell an igloo to a wealthy but homeless Eskimo.
These attempts at blogging were a poor attempt to get things moving. This was suggested to me as one of the main ways to drum up interest but have not found the magic touch.
At this present time I am contemplating making an author's contribution to see "Trouble Cross" in print, which I feel now is a chance I have to take. This would then at least be marketed properly and may boost sales of "Rewind" also.
Yet, I fell I need to do something more. I am relying on past glories - if that is the right word. "Trouble Cross" was written during the period 1996/2000 and "Rewind" during 2000/2004. I haven't written anything new in ages and I think I need to do so. I have 4 projects I could start and two of these I have at least dabbled in already.
A new novel or kid's stories? Which should I pursue. I have set up pages with the rough first drafts of what I have written thus far - in effect two chapters on both.
It would be good to know which direction to take. Anyone wishing to leave a comment on which is best or the most appealing, please do, or if neither are worthy , none of the above will do.
Thanks. And best wishes to all for 2014.
How does one get discovered? Does one deserve to be discovered? The latter question is probably the most pertinent. The books are out there but are not being read. Is this because they are badly written, just don't appeal or is it just the fact that my marketing is poor. Let's face it, I couldn't sell an igloo to a wealthy but homeless Eskimo.
These attempts at blogging were a poor attempt to get things moving. This was suggested to me as one of the main ways to drum up interest but have not found the magic touch.
At this present time I am contemplating making an author's contribution to see "Trouble Cross" in print, which I feel now is a chance I have to take. This would then at least be marketed properly and may boost sales of "Rewind" also.
Yet, I fell I need to do something more. I am relying on past glories - if that is the right word. "Trouble Cross" was written during the period 1996/2000 and "Rewind" during 2000/2004. I haven't written anything new in ages and I think I need to do so. I have 4 projects I could start and two of these I have at least dabbled in already.
A new novel or kid's stories? Which should I pursue. I have set up pages with the rough first drafts of what I have written thus far - in effect two chapters on both.
It would be good to know which direction to take. Anyone wishing to leave a comment on which is best or the most appealing, please do, or if neither are worthy , none of the above will do.
Thanks. And best wishes to all for 2014.
Monday, 30 December 2013
FOOTBALL? A FUNNY OLD GAME? (US TRANSLATION - SOCCER? MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU?)
"And welcome to the inaugural match of the new Deluxe Paints Primership. My name is John Dotson and this is football but not as we know it."
"How do you mean, John?"
"That viewers, is one of my co-commentators for today, Andrea Grey. And as she well knows this is a new league set up by the richest man in the world, Mustafa Zillions. Not content with just owning a football team like most billionaires, he has created his own league."
"And what can we expect from this new league, Dotty?"
"My other co-commentator, ladies and gentlemen, Don Atkins. Well, for all those of you who don't know, and I would think that very few in view of the wall to wall advertisements on Skye-Hi TV, this is a mixed veterans league. Yes, you heard it here. Men and women playing in the same team. Men over 35 and women over 30."
"That's what you call shaking the game up!"
"It certainly is Don. But there are some other changes to the rules that I won't go into now. It may be more interesting for the viewers if we explain these as and when they crop up."
"Precisely, John. That will get things buzzing. But would you call the fans at home viewers or readers? Are they viewing this or reading it. I would think the latter."
"Well Andrea, that can be a point for discussion at another time. The players are out warming up and we just need to nip back to the studio. Gary?"
"Thanks John," said Gary Goalgetter, as he turned to his guests in the studio, Alun Handsome and Lark Morrison. "Well, Alun. Here it is. What do you think of this new Vets League?"
"Well, Gary, I've said this before and I'll say it again. You can't win anything with vets. I think it's a bad idea."
"Lark? How do you sing on this one?"
"We will have to wait and see I think, Gary. With the diet and fitness regimes now players can go on for a lot longer, especially if they are not running all over the place after young whippersnappers."
"And Alun, what do you think of the teams then?"
"It's impossible to say at this point. The rule about not letting any ex professional players in means that we have nothing to go on."
"Yeah! What's that all about anyway?"
"Well, we'll just have to wait and see gentlemen. It's back to the stadium now for the teams and then hopefully some action. John?"
"Thanks Gary. Well, we do have the teams for you. For Manchester Unity, in goal is Petra Schmichael-Owen, then the back four is Willie Donkey on the left, centre backs Vinny Corporation and Steve Spruce, and on the right Gabriella Hinesbean. In the middle of the park we have Peter Weed and Carol Sikorsky. On the left wing is Bryan Riggs and on the right Waynetta Gooney. The two strikers are Erica King-Cantango and Dwayne Gooney. And, yes, before you ask Waynetta and Dwayne are related. Twins in fact."
"Everpool have Sheila Bubblebath in goal. Back four of Barry Tablet, Falon Anson, Dave Wattsup and Phillipa Wheel. Midfield is Steve Roadworks, Graeme Sourness, Sammi Leeway and Wanda Slimper. Up front Lynn Acre and Penny Dogleash."
"What about substitutes, John? I believe that there is something unusual there?"
"Definitely right there, Andrea.. It is roll on roll off substitutes, similar to any Saturday or Sunday amateur vets football. You can use as many as you like and the same player can go back on after being taken off. This means, of course, that the whole non starting squad can be on the bench."
"Must be one hell of a bench, Dotty!"
"You can be the judge of that, Don. On the Manchester bench in alphabetical order we have; Serge Aggro, Greville Breville, Mick Cannon, Jo Cardigan, Leigh Carp, Roberta Charleston, Carlo Cerveza, Stevie Doppleganger, Denise Flaw, Oleg Gunner-Sergeant, Alex Hackney, Mary Hailey, Ryan Hobson, Alan Ki, Louise Macaroni, Frances Pea, Rod Van Pistolboy, Rodney Quagmire, Colin Ringer, Miles Sequin, Brian Skidd, Marie-Ann Spaceship, Denny Stewart, Mike Winterski and last but not least, so I am led to believe, Georgie Zest."
"Everpool have on their bench: Joan Barnstorm, Pietro Beagle, Graeme Blunt, Jimney Caseworker, Kevin Cathill, Toni Cutie, Geri Evens, David Faircrack, Marie-Anne Fellover, Andy Fray, Peter Goatee, Rachel Hankie, Felicity Jagdriver, Kate Kennedy, Bob Matchball, Stevie McBarn, Timothy Molehill, Pat Never, Clementine Raymond, Jo Regal, Jamie Rucsack, Kevin Greedy, Neville Southpole, Hope Towel and John Walkover.
"The referee for today's prestige game is Mark Battenberg ably assisted by his assistants; Shawna Classy and Linda Looselace."
"Wow. That's a lot of names to remember, John."
"Luckily, I have them written down, Andrea. Hopefully, there will only be 22 players on the pitch at any one time."
"Obviously nothing of these players is known to the public. What can you tell us, John/"
"Not much I'm afraid, Andrea. For Manchester all I can tell you is that Riggs is their lethal weapon and Sikorsky is known as "Chopper" for her tackling. Schmichael -Owen can either play in goal or as a striker. Oh, and a couple of strange facts. Hinesbean wears number fifty seven even though there is only 36 in the squad and Alan Ki on the bench is known as Clive. By the way, Georgie Zest would be playing today but I understand is just back from injury. As for Everpool Lynn Acre and Dogleash are the ones to watch out for."
"Dotty, I've been looking down the list and if I'm right all the keepers other than one are female. Why is that do you think."
"I'm not certain, Don, but I guess it's because the ladies are more likely to keep clean sheets. By, the way Don, I understand that your son is on the management of the Manchester team?"
"Yes, that's right, Dotty. Assistant manager."
"Well, we'll certainly keep an eye out for him. I hope I'm not talking out of turn but I hear that he has a bit of a temper on him."
"Don't know where he gets it from, I'm sure. By the way, are Manchester Unity allowed to put a Ringer on the bench?"
"Apparently so. Anyway, readers slash viewers, it is nearly time for kick-off. The inaugural match in the Primership and it's coming up next. Live! In about a week or so after we have had a number of hours worth of words from our sponsors."
INTERMISSION
Tune in next time for whistle stop action.
(If you can't wait you need to download one of my books to be going on with. See previous entries.)
"How do you mean, John?"
"That viewers, is one of my co-commentators for today, Andrea Grey. And as she well knows this is a new league set up by the richest man in the world, Mustafa Zillions. Not content with just owning a football team like most billionaires, he has created his own league."
"And what can we expect from this new league, Dotty?"
"My other co-commentator, ladies and gentlemen, Don Atkins. Well, for all those of you who don't know, and I would think that very few in view of the wall to wall advertisements on Skye-Hi TV, this is a mixed veterans league. Yes, you heard it here. Men and women playing in the same team. Men over 35 and women over 30."
"That's what you call shaking the game up!"
"It certainly is Don. But there are some other changes to the rules that I won't go into now. It may be more interesting for the viewers if we explain these as and when they crop up."
"Precisely, John. That will get things buzzing. But would you call the fans at home viewers or readers? Are they viewing this or reading it. I would think the latter."
"Well Andrea, that can be a point for discussion at another time. The players are out warming up and we just need to nip back to the studio. Gary?"
"Thanks John," said Gary Goalgetter, as he turned to his guests in the studio, Alun Handsome and Lark Morrison. "Well, Alun. Here it is. What do you think of this new Vets League?"
"Well, Gary, I've said this before and I'll say it again. You can't win anything with vets. I think it's a bad idea."
"Lark? How do you sing on this one?"
"We will have to wait and see I think, Gary. With the diet and fitness regimes now players can go on for a lot longer, especially if they are not running all over the place after young whippersnappers."
"And Alun, what do you think of the teams then?"
"It's impossible to say at this point. The rule about not letting any ex professional players in means that we have nothing to go on."
"Yeah! What's that all about anyway?"
"Well, we'll just have to wait and see gentlemen. It's back to the stadium now for the teams and then hopefully some action. John?"
"Thanks Gary. Well, we do have the teams for you. For Manchester Unity, in goal is Petra Schmichael-Owen, then the back four is Willie Donkey on the left, centre backs Vinny Corporation and Steve Spruce, and on the right Gabriella Hinesbean. In the middle of the park we have Peter Weed and Carol Sikorsky. On the left wing is Bryan Riggs and on the right Waynetta Gooney. The two strikers are Erica King-Cantango and Dwayne Gooney. And, yes, before you ask Waynetta and Dwayne are related. Twins in fact."
"Everpool have Sheila Bubblebath in goal. Back four of Barry Tablet, Falon Anson, Dave Wattsup and Phillipa Wheel. Midfield is Steve Roadworks, Graeme Sourness, Sammi Leeway and Wanda Slimper. Up front Lynn Acre and Penny Dogleash."
"What about substitutes, John? I believe that there is something unusual there?"
"Definitely right there, Andrea.. It is roll on roll off substitutes, similar to any Saturday or Sunday amateur vets football. You can use as many as you like and the same player can go back on after being taken off. This means, of course, that the whole non starting squad can be on the bench."
"Must be one hell of a bench, Dotty!"
"You can be the judge of that, Don. On the Manchester bench in alphabetical order we have; Serge Aggro, Greville Breville, Mick Cannon, Jo Cardigan, Leigh Carp, Roberta Charleston, Carlo Cerveza, Stevie Doppleganger, Denise Flaw, Oleg Gunner-Sergeant, Alex Hackney, Mary Hailey, Ryan Hobson, Alan Ki, Louise Macaroni, Frances Pea, Rod Van Pistolboy, Rodney Quagmire, Colin Ringer, Miles Sequin, Brian Skidd, Marie-Ann Spaceship, Denny Stewart, Mike Winterski and last but not least, so I am led to believe, Georgie Zest."
"Everpool have on their bench: Joan Barnstorm, Pietro Beagle, Graeme Blunt, Jimney Caseworker, Kevin Cathill, Toni Cutie, Geri Evens, David Faircrack, Marie-Anne Fellover, Andy Fray, Peter Goatee, Rachel Hankie, Felicity Jagdriver, Kate Kennedy, Bob Matchball, Stevie McBarn, Timothy Molehill, Pat Never, Clementine Raymond, Jo Regal, Jamie Rucsack, Kevin Greedy, Neville Southpole, Hope Towel and John Walkover.
"The referee for today's prestige game is Mark Battenberg ably assisted by his assistants; Shawna Classy and Linda Looselace."
"Wow. That's a lot of names to remember, John."
"Luckily, I have them written down, Andrea. Hopefully, there will only be 22 players on the pitch at any one time."
"Obviously nothing of these players is known to the public. What can you tell us, John/"
"Not much I'm afraid, Andrea. For Manchester all I can tell you is that Riggs is their lethal weapon and Sikorsky is known as "Chopper" for her tackling. Schmichael -Owen can either play in goal or as a striker. Oh, and a couple of strange facts. Hinesbean wears number fifty seven even though there is only 36 in the squad and Alan Ki on the bench is known as Clive. By the way, Georgie Zest would be playing today but I understand is just back from injury. As for Everpool Lynn Acre and Dogleash are the ones to watch out for."
"Dotty, I've been looking down the list and if I'm right all the keepers other than one are female. Why is that do you think."
"I'm not certain, Don, but I guess it's because the ladies are more likely to keep clean sheets. By, the way Don, I understand that your son is on the management of the Manchester team?"
"Yes, that's right, Dotty. Assistant manager."
"Well, we'll certainly keep an eye out for him. I hope I'm not talking out of turn but I hear that he has a bit of a temper on him."
"Don't know where he gets it from, I'm sure. By the way, are Manchester Unity allowed to put a Ringer on the bench?"
"Apparently so. Anyway, readers slash viewers, it is nearly time for kick-off. The inaugural match in the Primership and it's coming up next. Live! In about a week or so after we have had a number of hours worth of words from our sponsors."
INTERMISSION
Tune in next time for whistle stop action.
(If you can't wait you need to download one of my books to be going on with. See previous entries.)
Sunday, 29 December 2013
TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN
It is that time of year again. A time of reflection on things past and hopes for the future. It is a particular bad time for hundreds, maybe thousands of individuals who look back at 2013 and see nothing positive. And demoralised and devoid of inspiration, all they see ahead in 2014 is a blank page.
The world needs these people to save us from the same old rehashed tales. They should be the creative lifeblood of literature, TV and film. They are the ideas people but only so few get through.
So make a difference in 2014 and sponsor a writer.
Everyone and is dog is writing a book these days. If there are that many writers around why are we treated to so many film remakes when there are so many new stories out there.
If you have a famous name from a different field then your chance of publication is far greater than someone having to work full time to survive and labours on their dream in their spare time. Once you have spent a few years on your creation, the pride of the finished article is soon diminished by the thick file of rejection letters from the literary agents. You have a better chance of getting someone from TOWIE to solve a simultaneous equation.
No problem, self publishing is easy these days. DIY or pay someone else to do it and then watch as the sales don't happen. If you are not a networker you may as well not have bothered as you wallow in the 300,000 plus rankings.
This blog - (please do not sue me under the Trade Descriptions Act) - arose from the need to market and get the word out there. Has it worked? Can England win the World Cup?
As you prepare for the New Year and wrestle with your finalising your resolutions, have a Kindley thought for those of us stranded down the Amazon without a canoe, let alone a paddle.
Just 97p will buy one e-book and if two thousand and fourteen people do that then it may be a Happy New Year.
It is so easy to sponsor a writer. No premium phonelines or text messages are required. Just follow the links.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC
Govember was a bust. Keycember has been a wash-out - and I don't just mean the weather. Let's look forward to Fanuary - the month of the new followers.
Good luck to all who wander across here for 2014.
Nanu nanu.
The world needs these people to save us from the same old rehashed tales. They should be the creative lifeblood of literature, TV and film. They are the ideas people but only so few get through.
So make a difference in 2014 and sponsor a writer.
Everyone and is dog is writing a book these days. If there are that many writers around why are we treated to so many film remakes when there are so many new stories out there.
If you have a famous name from a different field then your chance of publication is far greater than someone having to work full time to survive and labours on their dream in their spare time. Once you have spent a few years on your creation, the pride of the finished article is soon diminished by the thick file of rejection letters from the literary agents. You have a better chance of getting someone from TOWIE to solve a simultaneous equation.
No problem, self publishing is easy these days. DIY or pay someone else to do it and then watch as the sales don't happen. If you are not a networker you may as well not have bothered as you wallow in the 300,000 plus rankings.
This blog - (please do not sue me under the Trade Descriptions Act) - arose from the need to market and get the word out there. Has it worked? Can England win the World Cup?
As you prepare for the New Year and wrestle with your finalising your resolutions, have a Kindley thought for those of us stranded down the Amazon without a canoe, let alone a paddle.
Just 97p will buy one e-book and if two thousand and fourteen people do that then it may be a Happy New Year.
It is so easy to sponsor a writer. No premium phonelines or text messages are required. Just follow the links.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC
Govember was a bust. Keycember has been a wash-out - and I don't just mean the weather. Let's look forward to Fanuary - the month of the new followers.
Good luck to all who wander across here for 2014.
Nanu nanu.
Saturday, 14 December 2013
MANY HAPPY RETURNS (OH NO IT'S NOT!)
Happy Birthday to Rewind
Happy Birthday Trouble Cross
Happy Birthday my E-books
But your sales are so dross.
Just a quickie to commemorate that my books were launched a year ago today.
The scores on the doors are "Rewind" 30 (UK 24 US 6) and "Trouble Cross" 17 (UK only) - although when I offered the latter for free for 2 days 95 were downloaded (UK 42 and US 53).
For anyone who feels sorry for me I am not proud and will accept a sympathy buy.
Happy Birthday Trouble Cross
Happy Birthday my E-books
But your sales are so dross.
Just a quickie to commemorate that my books were launched a year ago today.
The scores on the doors are "Rewind" 30 (UK 24 US 6) and "Trouble Cross" 17 (UK only) - although when I offered the latter for free for 2 days 95 were downloaded (UK 42 and US 53).
For anyone who feels sorry for me I am not proud and will accept a sympathy buy.
Saturday, 7 December 2013
SPREAD A LITTLE CHRISTMAS KINDLENESS
Twas the day before the 18th night before Christmas.
First there was Stoptober, then there was Govember but now it's KEYCEMBER!
It is a Key month for me certainly. My e-books have been out a year and I need a boost up the rankings please.
Christmas is almost upon us and it's that time of year when one has trouble deciding whether to buy socks for the seventeenth time in a row or another Christmas jumper. Why not spread a little Kindleness this year. Buy your nearest and dearest a little Kindle and as a super surprise have it pre-loaded for them with a couple of 97p crackers.
Believe me, everyone will need something to read this year. The TV on Christmas Day probably rates about the worst I have ever seen. Oft seen films and repeats. ITV has repeats all day until 6.30 pm then it's an hour of Emmerdale Farmyawn, an hour of Coronation Chicken Street and two hours of Downturn Abbey. Do they think we are all soapheads and costume drama fiends. There is not one film premiere. The only thing worth watching is the new episode of Doctor Who on BBC1.
So every one get your Kindle out if you want a laugh this Christmas. You know the title by now but just in case a new person has stumbled across this blog on the landscape. Nudge nudge link link.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC
Thank you for your Kindle attention.
In other news the Everton A team beat the Everton B team and brought us to an all time low, or it certainly feels that way. All I want for Christmas is our team back. I was just about to give up on this season and think, roll on Brazil, but then came the draw. I don't think I'll be getting to jungle fever pitch this time either.
Anyway, Carry On Christmas Shopping and you know what to put on the list.
Nanu nanu.
First there was Stoptober, then there was Govember but now it's KEYCEMBER!
It is a Key month for me certainly. My e-books have been out a year and I need a boost up the rankings please.
Christmas is almost upon us and it's that time of year when one has trouble deciding whether to buy socks for the seventeenth time in a row or another Christmas jumper. Why not spread a little Kindleness this year. Buy your nearest and dearest a little Kindle and as a super surprise have it pre-loaded for them with a couple of 97p crackers.
Believe me, everyone will need something to read this year. The TV on Christmas Day probably rates about the worst I have ever seen. Oft seen films and repeats. ITV has repeats all day until 6.30 pm then it's an hour of Emmerdale Farmyawn, an hour of Coronation Chicken Street and two hours of Downturn Abbey. Do they think we are all soapheads and costume drama fiends. There is not one film premiere. The only thing worth watching is the new episode of Doctor Who on BBC1.
So every one get your Kindle out if you want a laugh this Christmas. You know the title by now but just in case a new person has stumbled across this blog on the landscape. Nudge nudge link link.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC
Thank you for your Kindle attention.
In other news the Everton A team beat the Everton B team and brought us to an all time low, or it certainly feels that way. All I want for Christmas is our team back. I was just about to give up on this season and think, roll on Brazil, but then came the draw. I don't think I'll be getting to jungle fever pitch this time either.
Anyway, Carry On Christmas Shopping and you know what to put on the list.
Nanu nanu.
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