Well, I was thinking of posting Comm Cheque 3 today - there is 5 - but bearing in mind that there are no blog followers I guess no one is avidly awaiting the next instalment. Anyway, the point has been made. I created these little parodies of the office and because of these a female colleague asked me to pen a spoof of James Bond because her boyfriend was mad about him. And so "Doctor! Oh No!"was born. She and her boyfriend liked it so it achieved its objective. As previously mentioned, some years later, when out of work, I decided to see if I could write a whole comic novel and "Trouble Cross" was the result. Not that it was called that then as it went through various titles - "You Don't See That On The Box", "Not On The Box" and "Tommy Trouble".

"Trouble Cross" has three strands - the main story, a previous adventure related by the main character in portions and "Doctor! Oh No!" written by the main character throughout the novel. To read the latter in its entirety go to the page on this blog - No W7 I expect you to die.

A colleague at mine at work published his book on Kindle before me and has recently launched his blog but it is far superior because it is embedded in a website - http://jeromegriffin.wordpress.com  - and he has more sales too. I am seriously thinking of reducing to 99p which seems to be the particular shade of grey that gets results for unknown authors.

Not bad on the puzzling today - nearly broke the elusive 30% - see Express Yourself.

Football season is over now that we are champions although there is still the 11 gunners salute today.

Nanu nanu.

THE POST WITH NO NAME

Better news on the book front. The printed versions now look like they may go ahead.

Bad news - the football season is nearing the end. Not a vintage season - fact quite a poor one - still the question is do we want to win tomorrow at home (come on your Spurs!) or next week at Arsenal? Yes, I am one of those lesser spotted Reds who are Mancunians - although I have been exiled from Manchester.

Average Sunday for the puzzling.

And now for what no one has been waiting for:-

COMM CHEQUE 2 – THE WRATH OF CHOC           

Captain’s Worklog Commrate 25%

It is 24 hours after the fiasco of the missing transcript of the Milky Way Run and this is not a happy ship.

Looneytenant Wondercock has been court-martialled and has been sentenced to banishment on Clai Mignor. This barren world is where the galaxy’s Damage Report Centre is situated. The current officer there, James T. Cobol-Fortran, is required by certain authorities because of his utter genius on his eight figure calculus machine. Wondercock will be taking over the Centre, consisting of 6 staff. This will be a new experience for her but very experienced Jiminy Howl will be there to assist along with the able Bunny Hutch and Annie, The Karate Miss. Not forgetting the enthusiastic Miss Takeful. Also, for a short while, until their banishments are up. Will be I. M. Notonpill and trainee Ivor Cavity.

As if this was not enough, the transfer to Starship Eagleeyes for Choc Ward has come through. It lowers the morale of the entire ship to know we will soon be losing our most outstanding technician.

To try and remedy matters there was an emergency meeting of the great minds on the ship, which of course excluded C-in-C Nidanewboss, who was playing Star Wars on his computer console, and Kerrnot, who was still in conference with Bumkiss. The meeting consisted of Colonel Hodge-Podge, Captain Keating, Captain Kyddology and the ship’s staff officer, Terry Bullman. Even these keen minds could not come up with a solution to the problem so the Starfleet Commander, Uri Mitchellin-Man, was contacted.

“I am sorry, Captain Keating, gentlemen,” he said, sounding nothing of the kind, “but I have to back your ship’s commander. The act of Ward was extremely irresponsible. If he had reported the incident immediately we may have prevented E. Ando. We have got to keep on top of this problem. Now, if you will excuse me, I will be speaking through Uranus channels tonight and I need to rehearse my lines.”

“Well, that was a waste of time,” stated Keating.

Whereupon, in true Sedgwickise style, Hodge-Podge said, “I think we need a meeting to discuss the outcome of this meeting.”

There was a hearty concurrence because, to be honest, if there were not meetings to discuss meetings what was there to do until the next meeting?

“Choc’s away today,” said Sin Till When to “Windy” Miller.

“I know,” he replied. “It’s a shame. The old ship will never be the same. Anyway, I must be off. I have to head up a working party to check the working party in charge of the working party that is trying to clear up the atmosphere in the A.E.D.S. area.”

“Is it true that all the station’s members are going bald?”

“It is an alarming situation. The hairlines are receding further than the tide on Southport beach.”

When Miller had gone that left Bertram Bassett and Sin Till When to run the Command Centre. ABM’s Briggand and Kwrighton were in a meeting discussing the formation of an interstellar committee to devise a scheme to report on the meetings of the working party which was directly responsible for the working party in charge of working parties. The rest of the Centre crew were in a search party which were covering every corner of the ship after another report of the ship’s phantom being at large. Everyone that is except Choc Ward. He had been stripped of his duties pending his transfer to another ship. No one had seen him.

Choc was out for revenge. Firstly, he welded up the cabin of Commander-in-Chief Nidanewboss, after fixing the computer terminal so that the Star Wars game was never ending. Next, he had amended the code on the stationery computer to provide three lots of white forms instead of the customary green and yellow striped, pink with purple spots and turquoise and grey copies. Finally, he intercepted the transcript for that day’s Milky Way run and substituted the Mars Star Run.

Later that day all were congregated in the ship’s new transportation bay to say farewell to the guy who was really the Sedgwickise. Where would they be without him? They would just have to fight on without him. All too soon, he was striding through the sound activated sliding doors, carrying his farewell present of an inflatable moon buggy.

“I am sorry to be leaving you all,” he shouted to the throng, “but it is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before. The only consoling words I can give you are these. Although this ship has as much directional command as a headless chicken, you will finish up somewhere in the end, even if it is only on some alien’s Sunday dinner table. Good luck to you all.”

Then he was gone, the matter transporter transmitting his body particles to his new ship. The end of an era and a legend. The end of Brokeship Sedgwickise.

EXECUTIVE STRESS

EXECUTIVE STRESS

Captain’s Worklog Commrate 20%

The elite force of the Brokeship Sedgwickise is the PRAT (Public Relations Action Team) Division. Always out in their company shuttles trying to build up a rapport with alien worlds.

Chief PRAT is Colonel Hodge-Podge, with an eye on the main chance his always ready to offload his case files to his minions.

Today the whole force were present at an Interstellar Confederation on Hudders World, centre of trade for the northern universe. With the diplomacy and tact of a cannibal at a vegetarian convention, the force continue to spread bonhomie throughout the galaxy. Particularly expert at anti-antagonism is Dick Mooron, ably abetted by Virgilia Hambone. Other specialists in the force include Wyatt A. Peasouper, A. Partide, Neil E.A. Person and A.P.R. Interest.

Out of deep respect for these personages who hold themselves out as ambassadors of the human race, the crew of Command Centre paid a tribute to them by making lifelike effigies of their heroes.  The reaction was eagerly awaited. What mood would they be in?

Will Person free himself from his Boa Tie?

Can Partide punch through his paper bag?

Will interest come down to investigate?

Will Peasouper see through the fog?

Will Mooron be looking blue?

Will Hambone think it’s souper?

Can Hodge-Podge keep his PRAT’s together?

WHO CARES!!!

WIGS IN SPACE!

For those of you excitedly waiting for Comm Cheque 2 I have made a Boo Boo. There are two small intermissions first - well, I did do this work in 1989 and didn't remember the order.

So in true Muppet style here is...

WIGS IN SPACE!

Captain’s Worklog Commrate 17.5%.

In another part of the ship, the A.E.D.S. (Alpha Engineering and Defence Station), things were also going wrong.

Station Head, I. Kerrnot, was in conference with his aide, Stephen “Blue Eyes” Bumkiss. The situation was serious, for in the smoky atmosphere the personnel were experiencing rapid hair loss. Ahead in the bald stakes were Engineering Submersive I.M. Largely-Absent and star trouble-shooter, A. Crayfish.

Sceptical of a solution arising from the discussion in the Station Head’s cabin, both participants being exclusive members of a mutual appreciation society, Captain Kyddology and Elainicough Cliffhanger were trying to find their own solution to the problem.

After a lengthy discussion it was agreed that total hair loss for the whole station was inevitable and replacement head covers were the order of the day. Brilliant Chief Engineer Baz Fleetfoot was to address the problem, ably hindered by Vinny Legless, the expert liability.

Why were Largely-Absent and Legless present during working hours?

Will Kerrnot and Bumkiss ever end their discussion on who has the best hair?

Will Vinny Legless be able to stay sober for one hour to assist Fleetfoot?

Is it really a case of hair today, gone tomorrow?

Toupee continued…