I have been having a clear out at home and I was surprised how much I've written over the years other than the three novels. Where did this all begin- the fallacy that I could write? Well, I think I've already mentioned the story competition at school and then deciding to see if I actually could write a novel whilst I was still living at home. Unfortunately, I cannot post either of these. I don't have the former and only have 3 actual copies of the latter. It was called "Trance" though which is topical with the new Danny Boyle film out. Mine had a criminal hypnotist but no heist.
The first thing I wrote which I can post is a send up of the office staff and procedures in 1988. I had just handed my notice in and I don't know how it got started but here it is.....
Comm Cheque 1 – The
Search for Choc
The
Brokeship Sedgwickise boldly going where no jokes have gone before.
Captain’s
Worklog Comm Rate 15%
It was a day unlike any other, when
anything that could go wrong did. It started as always with a worldly message
from Commander-in-Chief Guys U. Nidanewboss.
“This is a black day for us,”
announced the man who was a legend in his own playtime. “Last night we had a
visit from the ship’s phantom and I do not need to tell you what that means.”
Indeed he did not. The dreaded
phantom of E. Ando spread havoc throughout the ship, destroying confirmatory
documents and mixing up damage reports.
“Be on your guard at all times and
never be without your lastic bandguns. If you must, shoot to kill. That is
all.”
On Anti-Broking Module Kwrighton’s
section another crisis was about to occur. Looneytenant Wondercock had just
discovered that a handwritten transcript of a crucial radio message had
disappeared.
“Which copy of the transcript was
it?” demanded Kwrighton. “Was it the original message on the yellow and green
striped pad or the countersigned pink copy?”
“It was neither,” replied
Wondercock.
“You don’t mean that it was the
turquoise and grey final counter-countersigned copy?”
“That’s exactly what I do mean.”
“Hell! This is obviously another
case of E. Ando. What was the context of the message?”
“It was the full Milky Way run for
the day.”
“I had better report this to the
C-in-C. Where’s Choc Ward? I haven’t seen him this morning.”
“I don’t know.”
Meanwhile on A.B.M. Briggand’s
section there was another problem, a matter of a missing £25,000 in the current
brokerage readout. Ian “Windy” Miller had spotted the deficit upon a query from
Bertram “Allsort” Bassett.
“No matter,” declared Briggand. “We
can offset the return put through to cancel the last period’s dummy amount,
necessary because of the missing fee which Director Control should have agree
three milli-years ago, with a further dummy amount.”
Creative accounting at its best.
When one dummy isn’t enough use two.
It was too much of a coincidence
decided the C-in-C, after the idea had been put into his head by his able
deputy, Keating, for an important transcript, £25,000 and the most
irreplaceable technician on the ship to go missing at the same time. A through
search of the ship was launched. Red Sonia, Telstar Foxtrot and Ivora Goldmine
made up one party, Miller, Basset and Corporal Sin Till When another. Poor
Looneytenant Wondercock was placed under close arrest for not having kept the
missing transcript in a secure place. It was a real possibility she could be
banished to the world of Clai Mignor.
All the search
parties returned with nothing to report, which did not improve the C-in-Cs mood
– even the slightest inconvenience irritated him.
Suddenly Choc Ward
staggered into the Command Room looking extremely disheveled and worn out.
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?”
enquired Nidanewboss, in his mildest tones.
“Well Sir, it was
like this,” Choc began, having trouble keeping himself to attention. “I was in
early this morning and I noticed the Milky Way Run order was missing. I
immediately thought of the phantom and the disastrous consequences.
Fortunately, I had glanced at the order yesterday and remembered what it was,
so I set off on the Run straight away. I nearly did not make it.”
“I could put you on a
charge for this. You should have reported the missing transcript immediately.”
“I know Sir, but fast
action was required to save the Milky Way.”
“I make the decisions
around here and you do what I say. Any further dereliction of duty and you will
be off this ship.”
“Very well, Sir. I
request a transfer to Starship Eagleeyes.”
“Granted.”
With that Nidanewboss
went into his private cabin to play command, leaving the real business of
running the ship to Deputy Chief Keating. Little did he know that he would rue
the day he had so lightly dismissed one of the ship’s key personnel, but then
he only did know little about the ship.
Next
Week: Comm Cheque 2 – The Wrath of Choc
It must have gone down well because I wrote some more. And it was this tiny success that lead me to believe I could write a full comedy thriller - Trouble Cross - see link in first blog.
