FOOTBALL? A FUNNY OLD GAME? (US TRANSLATION - SOCCER? MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU?)

"And welcome to the inaugural match of the new Deluxe Paints Primership. My name is John Dotson and this is football but not as we know it."

"How do you mean, John?"

"That viewers, is one of my co-commentators for today, Andrea Grey. And as she well knows this is a new league set up by the richest man in the world, Mustafa Zillions. Not content with just owning a football team like most billionaires, he has created his own league."

"And what can we expect from this new league, Dotty?"

"My other co-commentator, ladies and gentlemen, Don Atkins. Well, for all those of you who don't know, and I would think that very few in view of the wall to wall advertisements on Skye-Hi TV, this is a mixed veterans league. Yes, you heard it here. Men and women playing in the same team. Men over 35 and women over 30."

"That's what you call shaking the game up!"

"It certainly is Don. But there are some other changes to the rules that I won't go into now. It may be more interesting for the viewers if we explain these as and when they crop up."

"Precisely, John. That will get things buzzing. But would you call the fans at home viewers or readers? Are they viewing this or reading it. I would think the latter."

"Well Andrea, that can be a point for discussion at another time. The players are out warming up and we just need to nip back to the studio. Gary?"

"Thanks John," said Gary Goalgetter, as he turned to his guests in the studio, Alun Handsome and Lark Morrison. "Well, Alun. Here it is. What do you think of this new Vets League?"

"Well, Gary, I've said this before and I'll say it again. You can't win anything with vets. I think it's a bad idea."

"Lark? How do you sing on this one?"

"We will have to wait and see I think, Gary. With the diet and fitness regimes now players can go on for a lot longer, especially if they are not running all over the place after young whippersnappers."

"And Alun, what do you think of the teams then?"

"It's impossible to say at this point. The rule about not letting any ex professional players in means that we have nothing to go on."

"Yeah! What's that all about anyway?"

"Well, we'll just have to wait and see gentlemen. It's back to the stadium now for the teams and then hopefully some action. John?"

"Thanks Gary. Well, we do have the teams for you. For Manchester Unity, in goal is Petra Schmichael-Owen, then the back four is Willie Donkey on the left, centre backs Vinny Corporation and Steve Spruce, and on the right Gabriella Hinesbean. In the middle of the park we have Peter Weed and Carol Sikorsky. On the left wing is Bryan Riggs and on the right Waynetta Gooney. The two strikers are Erica King-Cantango and Dwayne Gooney. And, yes, before you ask Waynetta and Dwayne are related. Twins in fact."

"Everpool have Sheila Bubblebath in goal. Back four of Barry Tablet, Falon Anson, Dave Wattsup and Phillipa Wheel. Midfield is Steve Roadworks, Graeme Sourness, Sammi Leeway and Wanda Slimper. Up front Lynn Acre and Penny Dogleash."

"What about substitutes, John? I believe that there is something unusual there?"

"Definitely right there, Andrea.. It is roll on roll off substitutes, similar to any Saturday or Sunday amateur vets football. You can use as many as you like and the same player can go back on after being taken off. This means, of course, that the whole non starting squad can be on the bench."

"Must be one hell of a bench, Dotty!"

"You can be the judge of that, Don. On the Manchester bench in alphabetical order we have; Serge Aggro, Greville Breville, Mick Cannon, Jo Cardigan, Leigh Carp, Roberta Charleston, Carlo Cerveza, Stevie Doppleganger, Denise Flaw, Oleg Gunner-Sergeant, Alex Hackney, Mary Hailey, Ryan Hobson, Alan Ki, Louise Macaroni, Frances Pea, Rod Van Pistolboy, Rodney Quagmire, Colin Ringer, Miles Sequin, Brian Skidd, Marie-Ann Spaceship, Denny Stewart, Mike Winterski and last but not least, so I am led to believe, Georgie Zest."

"Everpool have on their bench: Joan Barnstorm, Pietro Beagle, Graeme Blunt, Jimney Caseworker, Kevin Cathill, Toni Cutie, Geri Evens, David Faircrack, Marie-Anne Fellover, Andy Fray, Peter Goatee, Rachel Hankie, Felicity Jagdriver, Kate Kennedy, Bob Matchball, Stevie McBarn, Timothy Molehill, Pat Never, Clementine Raymond, Jo Regal, Jamie Rucsack, Kevin Greedy, Neville Southpole, Hope Towel and John Walkover.

"The referee for today's prestige game is Mark Battenberg ably assisted by his assistants; Shawna Classy and Linda Looselace."

"Wow. That's a lot of names to remember, John."

"Luckily, I have them written down, Andrea. Hopefully, there will only be 22 players on the pitch at any one time."

"Obviously nothing of these players is known to the public. What can you tell us, John/"

"Not much I'm afraid, Andrea. For Manchester all I can tell you is that Riggs is their lethal weapon and Sikorsky is known as "Chopper" for her tackling. Schmichael -Owen can either play in goal or as a striker. Oh, and a couple of strange facts. Hinesbean wears number fifty seven even though there is only 36 in the squad and Alan Ki on the bench is known as Clive. By the way, Georgie Zest would be playing today but I understand is just back from injury. As for Everpool Lynn Acre and Dogleash are the ones to watch out for."

"Dotty, I've been looking down the list and if I'm right all the keepers other than one are female. Why is that do you think."

"I'm not certain, Don, but I guess it's because the ladies are more likely to keep clean sheets. By, the way Don, I understand that your son is on the management of the Manchester team?"

"Yes, that's right, Dotty. Assistant manager."

"Well, we'll certainly keep an eye out for him. I hope I'm not talking out of turn but I hear that he has a bit of a temper on him."

"Don't know where he gets it from, I'm sure. By the way, are Manchester Unity allowed to put a Ringer on the bench?"

"Apparently so. Anyway, readers slash viewers, it is nearly time for kick-off. The inaugural match in the Primership and it's coming up next. Live! In about a week or so after we have had a number of  hours worth of words from our sponsors."

INTERMISSION

Tune in next time for whistle stop action.

 (If you can't wait you need to download one of my books to be going on with. See previous entries.)

TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN

It is that time of year again. A time of reflection on things past and hopes for the future. It is a particular bad time for hundreds, maybe thousands of individuals who look back at 2013 and see nothing positive. And demoralised and devoid of  inspiration, all they see ahead in 2014 is a blank page.

The world needs these people to save us from the same old rehashed tales. They should be the creative lifeblood of literature, TV and film. They are the ideas people but only so few get through.

So make a difference in 2014 and sponsor a writer.

Everyone and is dog is writing a book these days. If there are that many writers around why are we treated to so many film remakes when there are so many new stories out there.

If you have a famous name from a different field then your chance of publication is far greater than someone having to work full time to survive and labours on their dream in their spare time. Once you have spent a few years on your creation, the pride of the finished article is soon diminished by the thick file of rejection letters from the literary agents. You have a better chance of getting someone from TOWIE to solve a simultaneous equation.

No problem, self publishing is easy these days. DIY or pay someone else to do it and then watch as the sales don't happen. If you are not a networker you may as well not have bothered as you wallow in the 300,000 plus rankings.

This blog - (please do not sue me under the Trade Descriptions Act) - arose from the need to market and get the word out there. Has it worked? Can England win the World Cup?

As you prepare for the New Year and wrestle with your finalising your resolutions, have a Kindley thought for those of us stranded down the Amazon without a canoe, let alone a paddle.

Just 97p will buy one e-book and if two thousand and fourteen people do that then it may be a Happy New Year.

It is so easy to sponsor a writer. No premium phonelines or text messages are required. Just follow the links.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Govember was a bust. Keycember has been a wash-out  - and I don't just mean the weather. Let's look forward to Fanuary - the month of the new followers.

Good luck to all who wander across here for 2014.

Nanu nanu.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS (OH NO IT'S NOT!)

Happy Birthday to Rewind
Happy Birthday Trouble Cross
Happy Birthday my E-books
But your sales are so dross.

Just a quickie to commemorate that my books were launched a year ago today.

The scores on the doors are "Rewind" 30 (UK 24 US 6) and "Trouble Cross" 17 (UK only) - although when I offered the latter for free for 2 days 95 were downloaded (UK 42 and US 53).

For anyone who feels sorry for me I am not proud and will accept a sympathy buy.

SPREAD A LITTLE CHRISTMAS KINDLENESS

Twas the day before the 18th night before Christmas.

First there was Stoptober, then there was Govember but now it's KEYCEMBER!

It is a Key month for me certainly. My e-books have been out a year and I need a boost up the rankings please.

Christmas is almost upon us and it's that time of year when one has trouble deciding whether to buy socks for the seventeenth time in a row or another Christmas jumper. Why not spread a little Kindleness this year. Buy your nearest and dearest a little Kindle and as a super surprise have it pre-loaded for them with a couple of 97p crackers.

Believe me, everyone will need something to read this year. The TV on Christmas Day probably rates about the worst I have ever seen. Oft seen films and repeats. ITV has repeats all day until 6.30 pm then it's an hour of Emmerdale Farmyawn, an hour of Coronation Chicken Street and two hours of Downturn Abbey. Do they think we are all soapheads and costume drama fiends. There is not one film premiere. The only thing worth watching is the new episode of Doctor Who on BBC1.

So every one get your Kindle out if you want a laugh this Christmas. You know the title by now but just in case a new person has stumbled across this blog on the landscape. Nudge nudge link link.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Thank you for your Kindle attention.

In other news the Everton A team beat the Everton B team and brought us to an all time low, or it certainly feels that way. All I want for Christmas is our team back. I was just about to give up on this season and think, roll on Brazil, but then came the draw. I don't think I'll be getting to jungle fever pitch this time either.

Anyway, Carry On Christmas Shopping and you know what to put on the list.

Nanu nanu.

DOCTOR WHO TO THE RESCUE?

No blog last week as I was incapacitated by a throat infection - hurrah I hear you say. GOVEMBER is working as well as a ceratin chameleon circuit. Not one sale this month.

Well, it was the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor you know Who last night, shown simultaneously in over 90 countries. I don't think I can call myself a Whovian but I have got caught up in the 50 year focus over the past weeks. Doctor Who wasn't on much in our house from what I can recall. My parents were in charge of the TV and they only watched ITV most of the time. I have vague recollections of Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker but I don't think it was regular viewing. I certainly don't remember watching anything of Doctors 5 to 7. I have been a regular viewer since the reboot though.

I must confess myself a little confused by last night's story in a few areas and that could be a case of a little knowledge is dangerous.

Firstly, if The War Doctor was the regeneration between the 8th Doctor - Paul McGann - and what we thought of the 9th Doctor Christopher Eccleston, then presumably in all the episodes of the first 7 doctors there can have been no reference to his actions leading to the destruction of his planet and people. Not being an expert I don't know.

Secondly, if the doctor can regenerate 12 times then that is 13 Doctors and if you include John Hurt - and exclude Peter Cushing - there have been 12. Peter Capaldi will be the thirteenth. Unlucky for some - mainly The Doctor. Or is last night's doings supposed to reset the board?

Roll on Christmas Day I guess for some answers.

Anyway, regular readers of this blog - I think there is at least one - will want to know how I can turn a Doctor Who review into a sales pitch for my books. It can't be done I hear you snigger.

If you haven't got a blue police box but you wonder what it would be like to turn back the clock and start again see "Rewind".

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

If you miss the Doctor and need a laugh, turn to "Doctor! Oh No!" in "Trouble Cross" or check it out for free on the W7 page of this blog.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Ha ha. told you I could do it.  From one DW to another. And to all of you I have just one thing to say. Just pick one of  them and think TARDIS.

To
All
Readers
Download
It
Soon

Please. And thank you.


Now my thoughts are in Cardiff. No, not The Doctor this time. An institution not quite as old. Giggsy is 10 years behind but should be playing today. I'm off to buy the Jelly Babies.

Nanu nanu.

OCTOBER - THE FORCE WASN'T WITH ME!

A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away a lone boy existed in a desolate wilderness..........but that's another story.

A colleague at work last week said to me he thought i would have been at the open auditions for Star Wars. I didn't know what he was talking about at the time but now I am up on the Force.  I knew he was joking at the time of course  but I didn't know how much. I may be 24 inside but can only pass for 37 on the outside. It did though allow me to reveal my tenuous and fantastical link to the new films.

I have a copy of a letter I wrote to George Lucas on 1st October 2000. It went like this:

1st October 2000


Dear Mr Lucas

I am writing to you with an idea that I have had which you have probably already thought of or had brought to your attention before. If it has and has been disregarded I apologise for troubling you.

When I have a creative idea it burns fiercely inside and no matter how silly it seems at times I feel the need to outline it to someone, just in case it proves to be of worthwhile consideration. You are a creative genius and multimillionaire whilst I slave away in an insurance office whilst trying to persuade someone to publish the novel I have written in my spare time. Therefore,in one way, it feels nonsensical to be doing this but on the other hand, just in case no one has thought of this - and the chances of winning the lottery are better - I feel compelled to write.

It must be about a year ago that I discovered that the ongoing adventures of Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Hans Solo and the rest were being published in a series of novels. There must be millions of people interested in the ongoing saga as evidenced by the fact that each Star Wars novel published becomes an instant bestseller. Whilst I believe that after the three prequels the films will be finished there will be a vast untapped area of the Star Wars universe to discover. If there are going to be no more films, how then to tap into this vast interest potential of the non-reading public?

There have been occasions when a so-so film has been turned into a first rate television series e.g. Star Gate and Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. A great film such as Star Wars could continue as a sensational television series that would be in great demand. There must be at least twenty novels spanning at least 20 years since the events in "Return of the Jedi" and it still continues. Unabated material for as long as the interest continues.

As I have already stated, you must have already considered this and discounted it, or maybe, put it on the back burner until the films are completed, although you probably already have other projects planned and have opted to put Star Wars to bed. Yet even "a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away" miracles do sometimes happen.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

I did receive a stock reply and an R2D2 bookmark from GL's secretary, Anne Merryfield.

OK it is Disney now and film not TV but still. A visionary or what?

I think the Thrawn trilogy was the first follow on books I read. It was difficult to keep track as I only wanted to follow the story of the main characters and there were a lot of off shot stories. Still I recall that Solo and Leia got married and had kids - twins plus one I think - and Luke started a Jedi academy.

That was 13 years ago - unlucky for me - because I am still slaving away in insurance. The book I referred to in the letter was "Trouble Cross" which I had just finished. "Rewind" was not even an inkling at this time as I didn't start that until 2004.

Now, how do I tie this in with a clever link to my books languishing on Amazon. Followers of this blog - who am I kidding - will know that I am Hans Solo in my mission to raise my titles in the rankings so at least they show up on search lists. Anyway, for what it's worth.

At least half the Star Wars fans must also have liked Mel Brooks' "Spaceballs". You can't beat a good spoof. "Trouble Cross" is sort of spoofish, especially the Bond spoof portion, "Doctor! Oh No!" which you can read for free - No W7, I expect you to die page.

That's all I have. No links today. There are plenty in the other posts.

The Skywalker's the limit. Leia all your 97 pences on me. Don't let me go Solo into a black hole.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH MY AMAZON RANKINGS!

 

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 5TH OF GOVEMBER

Go! Vember what I said on Sunday! Let's fire my works to the top. Guys fork out just 97p to be part of the meteoric rise. Let it be a month to remember.

Rocket to Rewind.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

Catherine, Wheel over to Trouble Cross
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Sparkling reads for les than the price of a sparkler.

Be part of the meteroric rise up the ranks - hopefully.

THANK YOU!

GO VEMBER! GOVEMBER IS HERE!

Govember is here! I thought I made this up but on investigation I find I wasn't the first to think of this. No surprise really. Look, what they did with October, Stoptober. So what can I do with November? One of the P G chimps could have got it.

It just goes to show you that there is nothing original under the sun. That is a defence I heard in "Suits" and is one I have had to live with. My first novel "Trance" which I wrote at 18 had a car chase involving a learner driver which then turned up in one of the Naked Gun films. Chapter 8 of the same novel consisted of the baddie big game hunter hunting the last and perfect prey - man - i.e the goodie, which I saw as an episode of "Relic Hunter" entitled "Run Sydney Run." Both these were aired after my book was vanity published and I had written those plots years before that.

Anyway, back to my Govember or Go Vember. Is vember a word I hear you ask? Surprisingly it is, according to the urban dictionary. "Vember - An adrenaline rush, something that makes you nervous, neurotic, up-tight,etc." I am certainly neurotic and up tight about my non existent book sales. Stoptober was very accurate as there was not one sale. So Go Vember means please go and give me an adrenaline rush. In the last month before the anniversary of the book launch let us have the best yet. For less than one measley GBP you could be part of a revolution.

GO VEMBER!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383484908&sr=8-1&keywords=david+wardle

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1383484977&sr=8-2&keywords=david+wardle

Download now if you fancy a laugh today. Or alternatively you can be part of the fireworks on Tuesday. Revember, revember the 5th of November. Let's make it a day to revember.

And my deepest up front thanks for those of you who take part.

In other news, back to back wins for the Everton B team and the C team got through to the next round of the League Milk Littlewoods Rumbelows Coca-Cola Worthington Carling Capital One Cup.

And did you hear, Newcastle have unveiled a new club flag - the Krul and Cross Bones.

Nanu nanu.

GOVEMBER!

Given up smoking this month? Need something to do with your hands? Get a Kindle. And I know just the two books you can start off with - ha ha.

Seriously, I have never partaken of the weed so I was shocked that Stoptober had an effect on me. Stop in October doesn't mean stop buying my books. The minute trickle that was has ceased and I need a dam buster.

Now next month is what I like to call Govember. Yes, go to Amazon and download a little piece of mystery. The mystery being how to make a commercial success of an e-book. GOVEMBER! Yes, let's hope it catches on. Let it do for e-books what George Lucas did for E-woks.

GO ON! GOVEMBER!

If neither of my books make you laugh at least once then I'm a monkey's uncle. (Now, have you heard about my nephew Cheetah.)

Of course, GOVEMBER is still a dozen days away but why not beat the rush.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1382270093&sr=1-2&keywords=david+wardle

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1382270145&sr=1-1&keywords=david+wardle

In other news, the publisher who offered me a contract on "Trouble Cross" subject to my payment of £2,900, had another look at "Rewind" at my request following the Readers Favorite review. They still do not think it is suitable for their listings. Go figure. My non-adoring public have bought "Rewind" in the ones whilst "Trouble Cross" was once in a turquoise moon. You could say I couldn't give it away but you would be wrong. When it was free for two days, 108 were downloaded. Is everybody a freedownloader?

And finally, what has DM done to the team? No not that DM - although this could be termed a Danger Grouse. We can't end up as a Moyle on the bottom of the PL? Can we? Tenfold says we can. Worse than last year by tenfold - he he. At least we'll have Rio.

Don't forget! GOVEMBER!

COMPARE THE MERE DRAT DOT COM

Drat! Drat! And double drat! What is that your are Muttleying about Dick Dastardly? Ah, I hear you. It's as impossible for a new author to sell his e-books on Amazon as it is to win a Wacky Race.

Yep. It's drat time of the month again. No sales. Yet in the overall scheme of things "Rewind" has outsold "Trouble Cross" (if you discount the 108 free downloads of the latter which was meant to tempt people into recommending it to others and/or buying the other one.)

Let's compare.

"Trouble Cross" I wrote between 1996 and 2000. My challenge to myself was to write a comedy novel but as my type of reading and therefore writing usually concerns the godly against the ungodly, it had to be a comedy thriller. It is a fast moving plot which someone likened to a spoof James Bond which as it happens is apt because there is a spoof James Bond story within the book. See my W7 page on this Worst Blogsite Ever.

"Rewind" I wrote between 2004 and 2008 - notice the 4 year gaps, not planned and a bit spooky. The reason behind this is because of my constant hankerings to be able to turn back time and start again. I thought as this was impossible why not write about it so I did. What happens when you get to inhabit your eight year old body again knowing everything for the next thirty odd years - not what you might think. It was my intention to write another two books - provisional titles "Play" and "Fast Forward" - but as it never took off neither did these.

Both books have humour although TC is supposed to be more of a laugh fest. If though as the writer I had to split the two I would have thought that TC would appeal to guys more and "Rewind" girls. This seems to be the case because of there were three persons in my office who bought both quite early on - two females and one male. All three read "Rewind" first but only the guy read TC and he thought that was better. The ladies couldn't get into it.

A very arbitrary split but what about geographically. Well, when it was up for free the split between US and UK for TC was 53 to 42. "Rewind" hasn't been offered for free yet so there is no comparison there. Yet the website Readers Favorite were sent both to review and these are not allocated but are left available for any of their reviewers that want to select them "Rewind" was reviewed - did I mention that it got 4 stars - but TC has not been selected yet. Conversely, the UK publisher who had both has only offered me a contract - even though it is a contributory one - on TC. Does that mean "Rewind" appeals to Americans and TC to Brits? Who can say?

Why not do your own comparison. Samples!

REWIND
http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

or

TROUBLE CROSS
http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC 


The decision is yours.



 
 

KINDLE SURPRISE!

I know it's not Easter but who doesn't like an egg joke. No? Guess the yolk's on me then.

I have certainly been surprised by Kindle and in particular how hard it is to attract sales. My two books have now been out over 10 months and still not sold enough for me to have a peasant pittance let alone a royalty cheque. Of course, I am no salesman, and my marketing skills rate up there with Baldrick's cooking and House's bedside manner.

Even my U.S. review hasn't had any effect on sales. Yet there may be a reason for this because my books apparently were not up for sale at the time on Amazon.com because of outstanding tax information even though I am British. Go figure. Anyway they are up for grabs again now but the review is cold.

Well, it was but who would have believed it. Just follow the hotline below.

http://readersfavorite.com/book-review/12876

Now I would have you know that I am known for my tact and diplomacy.

BUY MY BOOKS!

Oops! Sorry that just slipped out.
I think I'm going to go on a blogathon today. Next up Compare The Mere Drat Dot Com 

Well, the review on "Rewind" has been out a week and what has this done to sales - you guess it, absolutely zip. Readers Favorite is a US site I believe and therefore may not have a lot of impact on the UK.  This blog reaches about two people and maybe a dozen more stumble across it so the word - unlike the truth- is not out there. Yet no increase in US sales either but it could be my humour doesn't
travel well. I don't know if the reviewer is American but they found it "entertaining and witty".

Yet, my other book "Trouble Cross" was written as an attempt at out and out comedy thriller. When I offered it for free for two days at the beginning of August 108 copies were download and 53 of these were from the US store. None since and strangely not one customer review from any of  108.


What I need I think is for Stephen Fry to read one (or both of them) of them. With his 5,000,000 twitter followers, sales would rocket if he approved. On the other hand if he felt they stank then sales could hardly fall off could they. Maybe just the mention of his name may get some of them checking this out. A very intelligent guy and one who got me into reading Wodehouse, or rather I should say it was a bit of Fry and Laurie. Their Jeeves and Wooster TV series in the early 90's was my introduction although I didn't start reading the books until years later after I watched the series again on DVD.

I remember reading  that Stephen Fry said he was panned by some critics who felt he was too old for the role of Jeeves at the time. I believe he also said that they had only tapped into about half the stories. What if they could finish off those now? Twenty years older for Jeeves would be OK but could Hugh Laurie still come across as the loveable buffoon after 8 years as the irascible House. The US would lap it up.

I get ideas like that. I once wrote to George Lucas to suggest that the Star Wars story carried on after Return of the Jedi in view of the many books that had been written to carry on the saga. I actually suggested a TV series - it worked for Stargate - but his assistant wrote back saying this was not on the cards and sending me an R2D2 bookmark.

I also wrote to Gerry Anderson with an idea to finish off "Space 1999" as a film called "Journey's End" but heard nothing back.

And I wrote to Tony Curtis with my idea for "The New Persuaders" with Jamie Lee Curtis and Deborah Moore to carry on as the next generation. This was a mistake and I should have written to Sir Roger but I had no contact address. TC was in the UK and had been on TV so I just wrote to the studio and asked them to pass it on.

I get these stupid ideas from time to time. I have ideas for my next book. I should be writing again because my usual 4 year gap between novels has now stretched to 5. The lack of interest in the current ones is affecting my enthusiasm I guess. I have two ideas in mind and have dabbled in the first chapters on both but not with conviction. If I ever get a following I might ask for a vote.

Anyway, not wanting to labour the point but if there are 5,000,000 twitter followers out there who can afford 97p then maybe I could give up insurance and write full time.

Think link and don't blink.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=david+wardle

http://readersfavorite.com/book-review/12876

Nanu nanu.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Further to my post yesterday Readers Favorite are apparently the fastest growing book review site and according to their website they have reviewed books for James Patterson. Now to get 4 stars from an organisation that would review books from a bestselling author is not bad for a partial part timer. By coincidence I have just started reading some of his books in the past few weeks. Spooky!

Just in case you missed it.

http://readersfavorite.com/book-review/12876

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1380459797&sr=1-3&keywords=david+wardle

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

It has been a while as predicted - but then who has missed me? I thought so. Still for anyone that has been following my ill-fated quest to to get to the bottom of the worst seller list I have news.

The Good. "Rewind" has been reviewed by Readers Favourite and has received four stars which is only beaten by a five star general. Follow the yellow brick road to see what they said.

http://readersfavorite.com/book-review/12876

Yippee! Now hands up all of those who now want to read it. Good. Go to the top of the discerning class and now follow the thick as a brick road.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=david+wardle

The Bad. The publisher I had sent both manuscripts to at their request after I had sent them the usual submission have eventually got back to me. They are not interested in "Rewind" at all. Strange because in my world of few sales, this has far more. They are interested in "Trouble Cross" but only with an author contribution of £2,900. So unfortunately once again I am stymied in getting the books into actual print.

The Ugly. Well, that is just me.

Anyway, time to go and se if the new Everton B team have actually scored.

Nanu nanu.

Long time no blog. It might be a while too before there is any more. I am signed off work with stress and the chances of me writing anything funny are as good as Baldrick getting a first at Oxford and winning the boat race single handed. Those of you who tune in regularly will know none of the back issue have been funny anyway - oops I forgot I have no following only accidental browsers. This downbeat blog is a full stop on here, or certainly a comma.

There will be some new people looking because I only recently learned how to add my email contacts into a circle.

I have been trying to improve my French recently but I am bad at oral and practical. Things I think got lost in transalation. I am lost too now, in thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, now that you are all reaching for a bottle of pills, you can always buy the books where my humour shines through. A colleague reading Trouble Cross told me he let out a laugh on the train and everyone looked at him. That must be a good sign.

Incidentally, as a test I put Trouble Cross on a free offer for two days and had 108 downloads. As an experiment though it was about as good as my French because there have been no sales since or of my other book Rewind.

Time to go.

As a Mork of respect for those people who tell me I look like Robin Williams:

Nanu nanu.

Or as they say in France:

J'espère très sincèrement que c'est au revoir et non adieu

FREE WISHES

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

I have bowed to public non-demand and initiated a free promotion. One of my novels - Trouble Cross - is going to be available to download at nil pence on Friday 2nd August and Saturday 3rd August. What more can you wish for?

All I ask in return is that you spread the word - after the free promotion is over, of course - and a nice review on Amazon if you are so inclined.

For those of you interested, the print versions have taken a step further with the publisher now in possession of the full manuscripts.

In other news, animal lovers have been asking for consideration for our furry friends. In this weather the last thing you want to be is a little otter.

MEDIUM TIME NO BLOG

Well, I was getting fed up of saying buy my books all the time.

Anyway, there is now the real possibility that I might get them in print. A colleague pointed me in the direction of a publisher who published his friends book. I emailed them and told them to check out my books on Amazon and they quickly emailed back to say they had and could I send them a submission. Now any writer who has tried to sell a manuscript knows the hard slog trying to get a literary agent interested and now I had a bite from an actual publisher. I sent of the regulatory 3 chapters and synopsis on both books and now they have asked to see the full manuscripts.

But let's not count chickens before the rooster has seen the hen. Fingers crossed though.

In other news.....er no, sorry, there is no other news. Roll on football season.

For those of you with absolutely no interest in my battles with the Express Sunday puzzle page I smashed the 30% barrier today - 26% i.e 33 minutes to do 4 puzzles with a combined target of 128 minutes. Just wish I had some challengers.

Now as more than one person in the office think I look like Robin Williams - whether they mean Mork or Mrs Doubtfire I am not sure - I will sign off in his customary fashion.

Nanu nanu.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

One sale this week - which makes a total of one in June. Still, I have now sent both manuscripts to a proper publisher for consideration as printed books.

In addition, I found this website where they give you a free review of your book in 10-12 weeks so I sent both off. It is time to know the truth. Can I actually write? Anything less than 4 or 5 stars and it is a bit of a failure so we will wait and see.

Of course, there is nothing to stop anyone having stumbled on here buying one now.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371388541&sr=1-1&keywords=david+wardle

SMALL PRINT

Not been on here for a while. Last week was a bad week. I got sacked by my publisher by a stinking email. This means the print versions are out of the window. Or does it? I was pointed in the direction of proper book publisher that may be interested. They were enough so to ask me for a submission, so fingers crossed that both books might get a proper publication and book launch.

TURNING BACK TIME

How many people have wished they could go back and start again? Millions I would guess. I certainly did and still do.

That was my inspiration for writing "Rewind". It was easy to determine that the only way one could have things turn out differently if one went back with the knowledge that this was a second chance. That's what my main character does. He doesn't know why or whether he is mad or dead.

Back in 1971, in his 8 year old body and with 40 years knowledge. How could he fail to vastly improve his lot. It is not as easy as you think.

I started off with a bit of my own childhood because I wanted to rewrite my own life and see how it owuld turn out. I soon realised this would not work. If you 8 year old woke up and said he had come back from the future a straitjacket would soon follow. If you think that going back with knowledge brings happiness and riches you are in for a disappointment.

Intrigued? If so, follow one of the links in earlier posts.

BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT?

I have always wanted to be a full time author. Of course, that statement is relative. I didn't want to be an author as a kid for instance. In fact the only time I ever professed an ambition to do any particular job was at 11 when I wanted to be a footballer. The fact that none of the family were into sport and because of that I only started playing the game at 10, there was no way that was going to happen.

No, I mean from about 17 or 18, having been working a couple of years in insurance and looking for something better. The fact that I am still in insurance ?? years later is perhaps some indication of my prowess in the writing arena, or perhaps not. It may all have been so different if my first attempt had taken off. I was only 18 and my presentation sucked, so much so that I don't think any of the publishers I sent the messy manuscript too ever read it.

Over the years I have written 3 novels, all whilst working full time,and I still don't know if I'm any good. My first book was eventually published but by a vanity publisher - which I didn't understand about at the time - so no surprise it only sold 72 copies. My other two books have been available as e-books on Kindle since December - as anyone unfortunate enough to have stumbled on this blog more than once will know.

The thing is everyone and his dog is writing a book these days and even though, after strong hints from some people, my books are now priced at 97p each, sales are still way behind my first book. Now, apparently Amazon cannot let me know the number of hits compared to the number of sales, which would at least give me some feedback on how many potential readers looked but didn't like. My own research would seem to indicate that any search on genre would not bring up my books as they are so far down the rankings.

Word of mouth seems to be the best method of spreading the word but when you have the social circle of an Ebenezer Scrooge / Baldrick hybrid that is not easy either. This blog then is the only way of getting me out there.

YOUR MISSION IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT IS TO FOLLOW THE LINK AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE BOOKS. (see previous blogs for link.)

You don't need to buy - but where else can you get a good laugh for 97p - just post a comment on why you didn't.

For anyone with a competitive nature though you could take part in Project 200. I get no cheque until I have earned £100. Currently I am at £34 so at 0.33p per book I need another 200 sales before I need to bother the tax man.

There are allegedly some Kindle Millionaires out there but I don't know how they did it. There must be millions more like me who wait in vain to be discovered. Britain undoubtably has writing talent - I am not counting myself among them - and wouldn't it be nice if there was a show where someone could be discovered. If only I was a singer or dancer.

If there is anyone who visits this blog voluntarily I would be pleased to know what makes you come back for more punishment.

PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING!
As I am off work for a week with nowhere to go I feel obligated to make a daily entry here. 
(That might just be an idle threat though. We all get idle sometimes.)

FAIRY TALE OF NEW DORK

Being low in the Kindle rankings the only thing to do - other than ask you to denote 97p to a penniless author - is do something new which will be therefore nearer the top. Some years ago I started writing some proverb fairy tales. This may be my next effort although a completely different tack - that's kids stuff I hear you say. Would this then be of interest to today's hi-tech kids. If you have stumbled across this blog and are a parent ofchildren of fairy tale age why not test it out. Let me know via a comment.

Then later, after you have read them to sleep have a few laughs with one of my novels.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=david+wardle

THE CAREFUL PRINCE

A long time ago in a far off land there lived a king and queen with their three sons. One day the king decided that it was time for his sons to go out into the world to seek their fortunes.

"Listen to me, my sons," he said to them. "It is time for you to set out into the wide world to see what you can make of yourselves. At the end of five years the one of you who has fared the better will be king when I am gone."

Now the eldest son was not happy to hear this for he felt it was his rightful place to be the next king. However, he could see that he could not change the king's mind and being strong on action, if also a little rash, he set out immediately, determined he would fare better than his brothers.

The other two sons set out at the same time but went their different ways. The second eldest was carefree and a little lazy. He liked nothing better than to while away the hours having fun. To his mind the task before him was too much like hard work but he did like the idea of being king so he took leave of his younger brother with good intentions.

The youngest of the princes was not as strong as his brothers but he was thoughtful, careful and kind hearted. Of all the three princes he was the one who was least wanted to be king. He was just happy to be travelling and seeing new things.

And so it was that the eldest son came to a kingdom that was in mourning because the king's daughter had been taken prisoner be a terrible troll. Basil, for such was the prince's name, was told that the hand of the princess and half the kingdom awaited him who freed her. At least, thought Basil, a chance for gain, and greed overcoming fear he offered his services to the king. All attempts thus far had failed and the king was glad to accept for brave princes were few in that land.

Off set Basil to the troll's castle which was two days ride away. At the end of the second day he sighted the castle but as he approached he saw that it sat high on a cliff and before the cliff was a huge ravine. Luckily, a tree had fallen across the gap making a bridge. It was too narrow for his horse to cross so he tied it to a another tree. Then he turned to cross the ravine.

"I would not do that if I were you," called a passing huntsman. "That tree is not secure and will surely topple into the ravine. If you travel east for two days you will reach the end of the ravine and find a path that leads directly to the castle."

"I have not got two days to spare," said Basil, and he walked across the tree to the other side quite safely.

Being strong and lithe Basil was able to climb the cliff without too much trouble and was soon outside the castle gates. Showing no fear he walked straight through the gates and was caught by the troll who put him in the deepest dungeon.

The second son, Bruce, did not travel as fast as his brother. His good intentions were soon forgotten as he enjoyed himself, stopping at every inn and tavern to sample their delights. At last he had no money left and was not welcome at such places anymore. It was at this time that he too arrived in the kingdom terrified by the terrible troll, a full two years after Basil. 
Having heard the king's plight he promptly went and offered his services. The king once again was joyful and he even gave Bruce provisions for the journey.

Now Bruce was not particularly brave and he did not make haste to the troll's castle. Before long, however, his store of provisions began to get low and he knew he could put it off no longer. By the by he too came to the ravine and found the fallen tree. Seeing no other way over he prepared to cross.

"I would not do that if I were you," called a woodcutter who was working nearby, and he gave the same advice as the huntsman had given to his brother.

"That is too far to travel," said Bruce, who even though he was not looking forward to climbing the cliff was too lazy to take the long safer route.

Unfortunately for Bruce the good living had taken its toll. He was now very fat and could not keep his balance. He fell off the trunk and into the ravine. The ravine was very deep and he fell past the barred windows of his brother's prison. Basil saw him fall but did not recognise him.

Benjamin, the youngest son, travelled at a sedate pace. He was carefree and willing to face whatever perils presented themselves. He had not been travelling for long when he came across a youth lying by the side of the road. A fallen tree lay nearby and it seemed that it had hit the youth on falling. When he came to his senses the youth told Benjamin how he had been cutting down the tree only for it to fall the wrong way. By good fortune it had only struck the youth a glancing blow, still it had broken his arm. Benjamin put him on his horse and led him home. The youth's mother was in despair when she saw her son because they had to live on the money he earnt chopping wood. With his broken arm he could not work.

"Fear not," said Benjamin, kindly, "for I will stay and chop wood until your son's arm is better."

So for a while Benjamin became a woodcutter. He always stood well away from a falling tree lest it fall towards him instead of away from him. Thus he fared well and though not skilled in the work he had no mishap befall him during his time as a woodcutter. Presently, when the son's arm was better Benjamin took his leave.

A little further on his travels Benjamin met an old woman who was making slow progress due to the two large buckets of water that she was carrying.

"Good day to you good woman," Benjamin greeted her. "Let me carry those for you for I can see that you are weary."

The old woman was grateful for the offer and Benjamin carried the buckets while she rode his horse. She told him how the stream had used to run right past her cottage but she had angered a passing witch who had dammed up the stream up in revenge thus making it flow on a different course.

"Fear not," said Benjamin, "for I will free the dam."

What the witch had created with a wave of her wand took Benjamin days to remove. Huge boulders stood in the old stream bed diverting the water from its true course. Benjamin toiled hard removing the boulders, always taking care lest on should fall on him. At last the final boulder had been removed and the stream gurgled happily along its old path. The old woman could now easily collect water again and Benjamin resumed his journey.

So it was with Benjamin. Whenever he came upon someone in trouble he stayed a while to help. Thus almost five years had passed  when he reached the kingdom where his two brothers had ended up. The king had given up all hope by this time and was near to death from grief.

"Fear not, Your Majesty," said Benjamin, "For I will free the princess."

At once Benjamin set off towards  the trolls castle and soon he came to the ravine. He noticed the fallen tree but as he looked at it a peddler passed by.

"I would not try to cross that way," he advised. "That tree trunk is unsafe and must surely topple."

"I was of the same mind myself," agreed Benjamin. "Is there another way to cross?"

"If you travel for two days along the ravine you will come to its end and there you will find  a path that leads up to yonder castle."

Benjamin thanked the peddler and started along the ravine, having first toppled the tree into the depths so that no passer-by would be tempted to cross it and so fall to their death. Just as the peddler had said , at the end of the second day Benjamin came upon the path leading up to the troll's castle. Not wanting to announce his arrival he left his horse at the bottom of the path and then stealthily made his way up to the castle. The gates were open but fearing a trap he kept to the shadows so the troll would not see him. In this way he came upon the troll without being seen. Quickly drawing his sword he chopped off the troll's head and placed it in a sack.

Benjamin did not know that his brother was a prisoner in the dungeon and so he started to search the castle for the princess. He found her in the topmost room of a high tower. On seeing her he was struck by her great beauty and loved her deeply from that first moment. Unlike her father the princess had never given up hope of being rescued and as he had been weak and so near death she was so radiant and full of joy.

Just as they were about to leave the castle they heard a loud banging from below.

"Troll! Where is my food?" bellowed a voice.

Benjamin went to see who it was that was shouting so and to his surprise he found his brother, Basil. The troll had been feeding him well so that he might feast off him later on. So fat was he now that he could hardly pass through the door of his cell.

They had only one horse between them and naturally Benjamin offered it to the princess. However, Basil said that he could not walk being so fat so he rode the horse. Whilst riding along Basil was thinking how he could be rid of his little brother. With Benjamin out of the way he would have the princess, half her father's kingdom and having fared so well would follow his father as king. At last he hit upon a plan and he awaited the right moment to carry it out.

"That night as the others slept Basil picked up a rock and hit Benjamin on the head with it as he lay there. Then he was able to tie up his hands and feet. Next he started to tie up the sleeping princess but at this she woke up.

"Scream and I will lop off your head," he told her. With that he placed her on the horse, mounted behind her and rode off leaving his brother to the wolves.

Presently Benjamin awake. His head throbbed madly and it was some seconds before he realised that his hands and feet were bound. By good foresight rather than fortune he carried a spare knife in his boot. With a little trouble he was able to free himself and then he set off at a run.

The next day he came to a stop outside a small town where a signpost warned of a plague. The town stood by a river and in the centre stood the only bridge for miles around. Better to find another way than to risk catching the plague, thought Benjamin, as he gave he town a wide berth. Even now when he desperately wanted to make good speed he took no chances.

This action added a week to his journey. When he finally reached the palace where dwelled the princess there was great rejoicing, much to his surprise. He had believed that his brother would have been made out to be the hero. Such was nearly the case but Basil had not taken care. Wishing to travel as quickly as possible he had ridden through the plagued town and over the bridge. Some days later, whilst celebrating his false deeds of heroism he took ill and died. The princess was then able to tell her father the truth but she had believed it to have been too late for her saviour. Now she was overjoyed.

Benjamin and the princess were married but he did not take half of her father's kingdom. Instead he took her home and on the death of his own father became king. He ruled wisely and carefully for many years.

WHAT WE LEARN FROM THIS

There is a saying which goes "It is better to be safe than sorry." What this means is it is better to take care and make safeguards beforehand rather than being sorry that you did not take them at a later date. Benjamin's brothers always took the short cut, whether through haste or laziness does not matter. By failing to take care and therefore ignoring the dangers they did not triumph. Time spent on preparation or precautions is not wasted but is in fact well spent. Benjamin knew this and by doing so he prospered.