DOCTOR! OH NO!
Chapter 1 - Off to P
S.P.I.D.E.R. Sindy Cobweb lay on the beach in the French
Riviera soaking up the sun, trying to get the chill of her first assignment out
of her bones. Arctic Roll Call had taken three weeks to complete out of which
two and a half weeks had been spent in routine, inactive surveillance, in
temperatures that even a polar bear would have sneezed at. She was still
wondering whether she was cut out for the job of a secret agent. It was greatly
glorified in fictional works, the prime suspect being the Bond films. It wasn't
sun, sand and sex at all. The job was 95% boredom and 5% danger, there was no
glory.
S.P.I.D.E.R. was a new outfit, the W Section of A.R.A.C.N.I.D.
(Anarchist Rebellious And Criminal Nonentity Investigation Department) which
had a web work that threaded the entire globe. The W Section had a special
licence to thrill.
All of a sudden there was a voice in Sindy's ear. Funny place
for a voice, she thought, it's usually in my throat. Then she realised that the
voice came from the transmitter located in the earpiece of her sunglasses. The
voice demanded that she return home toute de suite, which was French Rivierese
for as though your derrière was on fire.
Her flight was only delayed nineteen hours but even so her
luggage, which had gone via Italy, Dublin, New York, Hawaii, Sydney, Luton and
Moscow, arrived in London before she did. With the diplomatic bag, Weeina
Mycurry, she quickly whizzed through airport security. The customs officials
took no notice as she passed along with various persons carrying two tons of
cocaine, a hundred sub-machine guns and nine hundred copies of The Sound of
Music. Only when a little old lady with an undeclared bottle of eau de cologne passed did they display any
interest.
A fast car had been laid on
to sweep her to H.Q. where she had an appointment to see her boss. The first person she saw was the secretary.
"Ah, there you are," greeted Needapenny. "Glad
you're back."
It was obvious he had a thing for Sindy but although they had
periods of jovial banter laced with innuendo he had about as much chance as
making it with all the Spice girls at the same time. Lou Needapenny had had a promising career as
a high court judge cut short when he sentenced an unpaid parking ticket
offender to 99 years hard labour. The Law Society decided he was taking his job
just a little too seriously and so took his wig away. After this he was packed
off to be P (Don Aswell)'s secretary. To Sindy he was definitely a spent penny.
"P will see you now."
Sindy entered the bookcase lined room, no books just cases, and
just went over to P at his desk. He sat grimly overflowing his chair. His
nickname of Marrowfat was well earned but no one uttered it in his presence for
he could give a nasty bounce when aroused.
"Late again W7," he grumbled. "Sit down. I have
most grave news to impart."
"Another assignment so soon?"
"The most difficult and dangerous assignment you will ever
undertake in your 40 years in the service without looking any older."
"What's it all about sir?" asked an anticipatory Sindy,
her frost-bitten appendages forgotten.
"What do you know of IC20/20?" P leant heavily on his
desk. Fortunately it was reinforced with steel.
"Not much," admitted Sindy. "It's a serum being
developed to cure short and long-sightedness and eventually, when perfected,
blindness itself. It is still at the experimental stage and an extremely
'hush-hush' project."
"Precisely," agreed P. "So how do you know so
much about it?"
"What the eye doesn't see, or maybe sees but just a bit
blurred, the ears may still hear about," professed Sindy.
"There is obviously a leak," observed P dryly.
"Pillow talk I suppose?"
"Don't know sir. I haven't spoken to a pillow in
weeks."
"This is serious W7," admonished P.
"Sorry sir! Please continue."
"Last night the experimental serum was stolen.
Furthermore, the scientist who invented the stuff, Professor I.C. Nutting has
disappeared."
"Any clues, sir?"
"There is a rumour that this is a joint operation between
S.E.P.T.I.C. and S.M.A.S.H. and you know what that means."
"Yes sir. Co-operation between our two greatest enemies,
Ernst Stavros 'Init' Blowpipe and Commander Igor A. Smokerskov."
"Exactly," confirmed P. "Now you may be
wondering why these two would want such a serum for neither are deficient in
eyesight; other areas, yes; but not eyesight. Well, you see, this serum
produces an off-strain which creates total blindness in seconds when given off
in a gaseous form. We have a communiqué‚ which states that unless their demands
are met they will start dropping this gas on the major cities of the
world."
"I see. What are the demands?"
"We don't know as yet. There is to be a broadcast in
twelve hours time but I want you out in the field now."
"Sorry sir, but you're not my type. Besides the job comes
first. What have we to go on?"
"Very little I'm afraid. We've heard rumours of a strange
unknown pyramid, reportedly seen by numerous tourists but which the authorities
say does not exist."
"How does that tie up with the matter in hand sir?"
"I'm afraid I have to keep mummy about that W7. How soon
can you be in Cairo?"
"In twelve hours sir. Give or take the odd week."
"So soon. I thought the baggage handlers were on a go
slow."
"And so they are sir. This means they are less likely to
put my luggage on the wrong plane."
"Of course. Well, good luck W7. The vision of the world is
depending on you."
"I'll do my best sir."
"That is all anyone can ask," said P. "Except me
of course. I want better than the best. I want it sorted. See I before you
leave, he has some equipment for you."
"Right sir," Sindy acknowledged. "Eye'll be
seeing you. I hope."
"Get out W7".
Sindy bade farewell to Needapenny and made her way to that part
of the building operated by I branch. As always she made sure that the corridor
was empty before entering the gent's toilet. There was somebody inside. It was
agent W2.4. Not one of S.P.I.D.E.R.'s top agents, he was only a Mr Average in
the spying game. He turned his head as Sindy came in which affected his aim.
"Oops! Sorry about that Sindy."
"All in the line of duty," said Sindy magnanimously,
although she was thinking, I've heard of taking the piss but this is
ridiculous.
"I'm afraid it's occupied at the moment," W2.4
informed her.
"That's alright, I'll wait," she replied.
"Suit yourself. There's not much to see here."
How true, thought Sindy.
"Just been to P?" W2.4 was always interested in other
agent's assignments as he got so few of his own.
"That's right. Just got to pick up some equipment."
Fortunately for Sindy there was a flush, heralding the end of
business for the occupant of the desired cubicle. James Pond let on to Sindy as
he left. One of the more infamous agents in the service. He only got special
assignments. Duck to his friends, Ducky to those not so friendly.
Sindy went inside the cubicle and sat down, giving the
necessary password to the toilet roll holder. The seat started to lower until
she was in the Weapons and Extra Equipment Department deep underground. She
soon located I, the chief W.E.E.D..
"Ah, there you are W7," greeted I. "Come over
here there is something I want to show you."
Sindy followed I across the laboratory to a large sheet covered
object in the corner. I whisked off the sheet to reveal his latest masterpiece.
"This is your vehicle for the mission," he informed her. "The
Morris Minor XR69, capable of travelling at twice its normal speed. That is an
incredible 60 miles an hour."
"Well, I must say I, I've never seen anything like
it," Sindy observed.
"Yes. It is rather impressive is it not?"
"Impressive isn't the word for it," said Sindy in
mock admiration. "Don't you think the colour's just a bit too conspicuous
though?"
"Well, I have to be honest, bright pink wasn't my first
choice," admitted I. "But there was rather a nice discount on bulk
supply and you know what cutbacks do for the budget of this place."
"Indeed."
"Now there are certain modifications that have been made
to this vehicle which I need to draw your attention to," began I, opening
the driver's door to indicate his pet features. "Three-sided driving
mirror so that you can look your best at all times. If you press this switch a
special vanity mirror drops down from the roof, as so. Very useful for catching
the sun and deflecting it into the eyes of any pursuers."
"Illuminating," said Sindy.
I ignored this interruption. "In cases when there is no
sun press this lever here and extra smoke will be expelled through the exhaust
system. The smoke comes in three colours, red, blue and green, depending on
your outfit at the time. For a more forceful deterrent there are front and rear
machine-guns, activated here and here." I indicated two switches on the
dashboard. "You also have a rocket launcher at the front and mini depth
charges at the rear. The latter only have a two second delay, so only use them
when travelling at speed or you will blow your tail off."
"Are there no depths to which you won't sink I."
"Finally, you will notice there are no rear doors on this
model so if you wish to get rid of any back seat drivers lift the top of the
gear lever and depress this button. The back seat will then lift and deposit
the occupants out of the rear window. Any questions?"
"What about the rear oil spray gun. It used to be standard
equipment in all vehicles?"
"We had to discontinue that particular item. It was far
too slick and you know what these anti-pollutionists are like. Nevertheless I
think you have enough deterrents available."
"When will it be available?" Sindy wanted to know.
"As soon as it has been cleaned and polished I will
despatch it to Cairo for you to pick up. Now come over here while I show you
the rest of your equipment." I passed into the section of the department
where the smaller items were made. "Well W7, what do you think of
that?"
"Just looks like an ordinary suitcase to me I."
"That is an ordinary suitcase," I snorted. "I'm
going on a trip. I was in fact referring to this watch."
"There doesn't seem to be anything special about it,"
Sindy remarked, eyeing the elegant timepiece.
"That is the whole point W7. If it looked special there
would be no point in us giving it to our agents, would there?"
"Of course not I. I was only joking," apologised
Sindy.
"It is a very remarkable watch indeed," I pointed
out. "It is waterproof, shockproof, bulletproof and crushproof. It tells
the time in over 60 countries and loses only one second in every ten years. It
is also a transmitter and receiver. Here put it on." I passed the watch to
Sindy. "Now to your armament; will you pay attention, W7?"I protested
reproachingly to Sindy who was tapping the watch on her wrist. "This is a
Walter JCB. It may look small but its punch is equivalent to being run over by
a mechanical digger. This takes a special thirteen round clip because of the
smaller bullets. There is spare ammunition in the glove compartment. Any
questions?"
"Only one," said Sindy. "This waterproof,
shockproof, bulletproof and crushproof watch that tells the time in 60
countries, it's stopped."
"Probably needs a new battery," suggested I.
"See McDonald at the company farm. We've a new breed of battery hen."
"How very eggciting," smiled Sindy.
"Very funny, W7. If you have quite finished with your
usual witty repartee you can go. And I want your word that no one else will
drive the XR69."
"Aye-aye, I, I guarantee it."
Sindy left H.Q. and went home to do some light packing, then
she called a cab. "Just the three trunks?" enquired the driver.
"Yes. I can't afford to carry a lot in my job."
Ten minutes and one hernia later and they were off to the
airport. The assignment had begun.
EXCERPT FROM TROUBLE CROSS
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