Thursday 20 February 2014

BIRTHDAY BLUES

Well, another 20th February over for another year. Does anyone enjoy birthdays as little as me? Does anyone sit there and think I shouldn't be this old, I haven't achieved anything. I am not talking about anything spectacular. I haven't even done what normal people do. I should have a settled life now, a wife, maybe kids and a nice house. Instead I a, living like when I first left home in basically a starter flat by myself. Having said that I still feel 24 inside and cannot reconcile my true age but that has been the way for many years.

I spent the day alone again as usual, watching DVDs of my childhood. Not kinds programmes but series I remember. Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), The Persuaders, The New Avengers, The Professionals and Return of the Saint, in chronological order - although the first two I wouldn't have seen when they were originally shown.

How many people are so fed up with their lives they want to go back and start again. I have dreamt of doing this for years. Trying to decide when would be the best age to go back to. That was the reason I wrote my last book "Rewind". I thought as I couldn't do it I would write about it instead. At first I was going to write about exactly what I would do myself if I got the chance. I started off like that and the bit about the bully was about me because I really did get pulled into the old school and get punched. I found though that I had written myself into a corner so then had to make it totally fictional. I don't know if it worked. The few people I know who have read it seem to.

The sum of my achievements so far is my three books, written in my spare time whilst working full time. The first,"Trance", is dead and buried and the other two are just buried in the 300,000 plus rankings above me. At this time, writing this in bed, unable to sleep as usual, I ask myself, do I have any real talent? Below is what someone wrote about my two Kindle novels before they were Kindle novels. He was going to publish them so had a vested interest and I think I now know it was a snow job.

Further to our exchange of e-mails, and rather slower than I anticipated for which I apologise,  I have now had the opportunity of reading Rewind and Tommy Trouble  both of which are highly impressive. They are as good examples of their type as I have read for some considerable time. 
 
I have to confess, that I was so impressed with Rewind that I actually read it twice; once from an analytical, professional point of view, and once purely for my own personal pleasure. Quite simply, it is an excellent novel on every level and one which should appeal to adult readers from a variety of backgrounds and cultures, being particularly resonant with the late 30 and early 40 somethings, who will be able to identify with your narrator and protagonist, Jason, to a high degree. Here we have all the finest ingredients of a captivating novel skillfully blended together with a careful and expert hand, flavoursome throughout, and I was delighted that there was an additional kick of spice right at the very end, when I, as a reader, really thought there could be no more surprises. 
 
In fact, the novel is positively packed with twists, turns and surprises and is totally unpredictable. For example, both the poem, 'Why?' and the Prologue, narrated in the third person, paint an incredibly sorrowful, melancholic scene and we think we are in store for a real tale of woe (albeit one which, as we can already see, will be well told) yet this is far from being the case at all. After the appearance of the Wizard God in Chapter 1, when Jason suddenly finds himself lying in his childhood bunk bed, there is, in fact, a substantial amount of wit, dry humour and real laugh out loud moments in the book. You do retain the serious nature essential to the plot, yet succeed in doing so without ever making the pace slow, the tone dull or the mood overly sombre. 
 
As a writer, you are a natural talent, without doubt, and no diamond in the rough at that; your skills have been honed and polished and, partly because of this and partly because of the utterly mesmerising plot you have crafted, the book is an absolute joy to read. You subtly change the nature of your style so that it meshes perfectly with the content. For example, in the opening, you utilise short, staccato sentences and paragraphs to add suspense so that the whole section reads like an ominously ticking clock, whereas later in the story, when the young Jason, with his adult mind, begins to have a little fun with the life that had formerly disappointed him so much, your method of writing is much more musing and relaxed and, again, often humorous. 
 
In essence, this is every adult's fantasy, and this is why I foresee it having wide appeal. Though few of us have reached a point at which we become so disillusioned we decide to end our life forty years to the day after it began, we all wish we had done things differently and, as Jason is given this gift of retaining the knowledge with which his adult life has furnished him, whilst, essentially, beginning it again, the reader is vicariously able to travel with him on this fantastical journey where anything can, and indeed does, happen.  
 
Personally, I found your use of dialogue to be amongst the strongest literary tools you have employed and one which has certainly been wielded to good effect. There is a large proportion of dialogue in the work and though, when acting as a consultant providing advice to aspiring audiences, this is something I would not advise, you have made it work and, I have to say, I am not quite sure how! Maybe it is because of the realism and credibility it lends to the characters and their predicament, or maybe it is because much of it rings so true; but, whatever the reason, the conversations between characters are a great asset to the work as a whole and introduce an additional element of drama. 
It is mainly for the reasons outlined above, as well as others - such as the edge-of-seat suspense with which the novel is imbued, the vivid characterisation and the sheer innovation and originality of the narrative, that I feel this work is one which would lend itself beautifully to a visual medium, with a film or TV script being, in a way, already half crafted. As the British film industry grows in terms of quality and demand, it is certainly not something which I would rule out. 
 
What is, perhaps, most impressive about the book is that you succeed in drawing all the different strands of the plot together in what is a conclusion which the reader will find both hard to predict yet easy to believe. This is no mean feat when there are so many different narrative elements to the book and you leave no important questions unanswered nor any issues which may have been difficult to resolve hanging. You do, however, leave the reader with a positive feast in the way of food for thought and this is something which few writers have the ability to do, thus ensuring that the book is not only an entertaining one, but also, vitally, very memorable.
 
Tommy Trouble is every bit as an enjoyable read as Rewind, though it may lack the sheer force, the number of times I found myself laughing at your extremely witty dialogue does, in itself, make this a perfect candidate for publication. It is notoriously difficult to write novels which are really amusing, and not simply trying to be and the way you channel the great comedy authors, like Tom Sharpe and Kingsley Amis, is much to be admired. 
 
The narrative is different, (which is great and shows you are no one trick pony) and whereas Rewind has a subtle sub-text and deeper meaning, Tommy Trouble concentrates chiefly on a rip-roaring plot, explosive amounts of action and quite often, utterly hilarious dialogue. 
 
There are a lot of characters who play important parts, be they major or minor and Jenny, Jane, Peter, Cox, Chalky, Vicky and Clarence all play very specific roles. I am honestly amazed at how well crafted each of the characters are, how well they stand out, how three dimensional they are, and how you develop the personality of each one to fit their role in the novel perfectly. The characters, then, contribute as much to the novel as the plot itself. 
 
And what a plot it is! It rather reminds me, in a very positive way, of a comedic James Bond novel with a twist. Thomas, from working at the offices of Pratt, Pratt, Wally and Pratt (which made me chuckle in itself) goes from being a somewhat ordinary character to one who performs extraordinary deeds, and, as we witness the plot unfold, his character burgeons and takes on fascinating and, again, amusing new attributes. 
 
The book is a light read, stresses the importance of entertaining fiction better than anything I have read lately, and should appeal to a male reading audience of a wide range in terms of age and background; definitely a book with which I would part money to own.
 
You can see why it turned my head. I wanted to believe it was true and that I was going to achieve my dream to become a full time writer. It is why I paid a large sum for him to publish them for me on Kindle. Even now it is why I am paying a larger sum just to get one of them in print.
 
 Yet I know in my heart it is doomed really. I look at this whole blog which has been going nearly a year now and see how poor it is. 
 
All that and my recently diagnosed high blood pressure too. Never drunk, never smoked and never done drugs. Is it fair?
 
So another year over. What to expect in this one. United's lowest position in the league since they last got relegated? Probably. An early exit from Brazil for England? Undoubtedly.  And the treadmill plodding on? Definitely.


Sunday 26 January 2014

GET IT WHILST IT'S HOT!

THE END IS NIGH!

Who or what for I hear you ask?

The blog?
No
Rosemary, the telephone operator?
No
Moysie, the mild mannered manager?
Could be?

Phooey! A little Mata of a new signing will keep things phutting along unnicely for a while.

No, in fact it could be this blog but definitely "Trouble Cross" at 97p.

I have finally taken the plunge again and signed a contract with Austin Macauley to publish this book in printed form. Part of this will mean a new e-book version so the existing one on Amazon will have to be unpublished. The pricing is then out of my hands. It is going to cost me more money to do this but it is time to take a bigger risk I feel. At least one of the stories I laboured 4 years of my spare time on will be a proper book - only 14 years after I finished it.

Yes, it could also be the end of this blog. Shush. I can hear the cheers from here. Yet just like I hope TC will rise from the ashes so might a new improved version. Our computer guy at work - Jedi Smith - has the power to create me a website which will attract more traffic. I am seriously thinking about this to increase my infamy, although I have trouble trying (and failing) to keep up an entertaining blog, let alone a website.

There was a little upturn in sales this week. One sale of each book sent me up the ratings from nearly 400,000 to 60,000. A pity no more followed or I could have got up higher and maybe get noticed in the Amazon search lists. I wonder what effect it would have if there were 10 quick sales. I know let's experiment. I need a few volunteers from the audience. OK? Right. You there, and you, and you up there in my home town of Manchester. Get your fingers ready and click on one of the links now.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

Now, that wasn't so bad was it. Not bad for less than a GBP. If there are any results I will trumpet them next week.

In other news, a new type of bird was discovered this week that only east curry - a Kormarant.

Make em laugh. That is what Donald O'Connor sang in "Singing In the Rain" and that's what my books endeavour to do. And if not, well, everyone likes a trier. Don't they?

Nanu nanu.

(Trade Descriptions Disclaimer - there is a typo in the title to this blog. In no way can this blog nor the two books it strives to promote be termed "hot". In my defence "h" and "n" are quite close on the keyboard.)


Sunday 12 January 2014

UNDER PRESSSURE! (ADVENTURES IN AMBULANCING)

What a bloody week!

I get reflective at New Year as I guess many people do. Agonising over the past year and wondering what juggernaut is coming to mow you down in the next. Little did I know that 2014 was going to be a red letter year. Blood red.

On New Year's Day I had a nosebleed. Nothing new in that. Like headaches, I have them occasionally. I am one stressed oddball. It was about 9pm just as "Sherlock" was starting, which was inconvenient because it was necessary to have all one's wits to follow his resurrection, yet I was concentrating on stemming a red tide. It wasn't that bad though, just a few minutes.

Next day it was back to work after 12 days away. I had another one and this was more inconvenient. I was in the toilets, becubicled, with my trousers around my ankles when it started. Yes, there was lots of toilet roll available but I had trouble pulling my trousers up with one hand so I could get out to the sinks. Again though, a normal few minute one.

Enter Friday 3rd January. About 3.30 pm I sneezed and spattered blood all over the partition screen of my desk. I was slower to the toilet than Usian Bolt but not much. Bending over the sink, bloodied paper towels all around and a solicitous "Are you alright" from visitors to the men's room. Word soon got around and after about 30 minutes the ladies decided to storm the gentlemen's bastion. Or rather the first-aid lady did. Ice was tried but didn't work either. Send for the ambulance!

When they got there Niagara was still flowing but the paras had some efficient plugs, until one fell out when they were getting me into this wheeled chair contraption. I think it had stopped by the time we were down in the ambulance. I can tell you it is embarrassing to have to go to hospital in one just for a nosebleed, not least because they wanted to know my age which was a closely guarded secret which even Indiana Jones wouldn't discover.

My blood pressure was high - I saw 165 on the monitor but they didn't tell me the readings - but my ECG was OK. (I like to think I am a guy with a good heart anyway.)

At the hospital it was, of course, all stop. Triage was within an hour I think but I didn't see a doctor until over 4 hours after the nosebleed started. There was nothing to do. They took my BP again and cauterised my nose, although I am certain it was the wrong nostril. I tried to say so but was told that they could see where the bleed was from.

So armed with a letter to my GP I had to get back to London Bridge station by what I think turned out to be an illegal taxi. Certainly there were no markings on it but it had responded to a call from another taxi I had approached but which was already booked.

End of story? Oh no. At noon the next day I had another so I rang NHS Direct which is an experience in itself. I am holding my nose over the sink with tissue stuffed up my nose and being asked twenty questions by someone who couldn't understand what I was saying. I could feel my BP getting higher. By far the most genius question was "Do you think the amount of blood you have lost would fill an average size mug?". How the hell do I know. I am pinching my nostrils to stop the blood coming out.

Anyway, they arrange for an outpatient's appointment for me at my local hospital. I was surprised to say the least it being a Saturday. The appointment was a couple of hours away though, or it was, but when I got there they were 90 minutes behind so I had to go home and come back. That doctor didn't take my BP I don't think but prescribed some cream to put up my nose. Rushing to the chemist before it closed was not conducive to lowering my BP and then the chemist could only fill half the prescription.

Now we get to some medical conflict. At the hospital on the Friday I was given a leaflet advising what to do in nosebleed situations. Head forward and pinching I knew. Do not pick the nose or put anything up it was common sense. No hot drinks for 24 hours was a shock - more later.

Friday - don't put anything up your nose. Saturday - put this cream up your nose twice a day. Let the prevailing advice prevail. I put the stuff up my nose. At 11 pm I had another nosebleed. This time NHS direct got a doctor to ring me back although by that time it had stopped. Once she had the full picture she told me not to by shy of ringing the hospital if one went over 20 or 30 minutes.

Sunday. I was due to go out to get a new microwave has mine had waved microing goodbye. Just as I was about to leave I got another one. this just lasted about 30 minutes so I just left it. Then at 10pm I had another. hen it got to 35 minutes I dialled 999 for the first time in my life. The operator had to refer my request before I was told one had been dispatched. By the time the para got there it had stopped so he just took my BP and made some notes. He advised me that unless it was actually gushing out I could wait up to an hour for it to stop next time. He had never heard of the cream I had been told to snort.

I made it to Monday with no more mishaps. I needed to get into my GP but to try and get through on the phone first thing on a Monday was as easy as Baldrick getting a first at Oxford and Cambridge at the same time. I knew what I had to do. The surgery opens at 8 am and you had to be first in the queue. I took a chance on walking it, hoping the cold would prevent another bleed. I got there at 7.40 am and was first but only just as a car pulled up in front of the surgery as I got there. By the time it opened there were about ten people behind me.

I had a book with me to while away the long wait but fortunately I got an 8.30 am slot. The doctor took my BP - which was still high - and read the letter. He put me down for blood tests and also a 24 hour BP monitoring. Eager to get this sorted I informed him of my Axa PPP status but he said we were still in the general practice area. Also, he knew about the nose cream and told me to use it and he also agreed an hour could be waited before seeking medical help.

NOTHING UP THE NOSE. CREAM UP THE NOSE. 20 MINUTES. 30 MINUTES. 60 MINUTES.

Do you want 50/50, ask the audience or phone a friend?

Fortunately, I have had no bleeds since then, touch wood - he said patting himself on the head. The blood tests were done this Friday, a week after the initial eruption, and the BP monitoring is not until 29th January.

The thing is so I am told, is that high BP does not create a nosebleed but it makes it worse because of the higher pressure. Therefore it is not the nosebleed per se that is being investigated but the BP. Now, in August 2013 I was off work with stress but conversely my BP was OK. In December after a nose infection it was higher around 140 and the doctor told me to go back in a month for a check-up. Two weeks later it was 163 / 165 and the highest 178 over 105 to 110. I struggle to understand what happened since August to make my blood boil so. Yet I am told it can be accumulative rather than one thing.

So the two cuplrits could be Manchester United foe their abject performances that leave me climbing the walls and YOU!. Metaphorically speaking that is. "YOU" meaning my non adoring public, staying away in droves from buying my very cheap books which I sweated blood on.

The year has only just started and I am already under pressure. And it could get worse. England may not win the World Cup.


Wednesday 1 January 2014

THE WRITE STUFF?

The first day of a new year. Last year at this time I was still full of hope that my two books - newly issued as e-books - would launch my writing career. One year on it is demoralising how few people have wanted to read them.

How does one get discovered? Does one deserve to be discovered? The latter question is probably the most pertinent. The books are out there but are not being read. Is this because they are badly written, just don't appeal or is it just the fact that my marketing is poor. Let's face it, I couldn't sell an igloo to a wealthy but homeless Eskimo.

These attempts at blogging were a poor attempt to get things moving. This was suggested to me as one of the main ways to drum up interest but have not found the magic touch.

At this present time I am contemplating making an author's contribution to see "Trouble Cross" in print, which I feel now is a chance I have to take. This would then at least be marketed properly and may boost sales of "Rewind" also.

Yet, I fell I need to do something more. I am relying on past glories - if that is the right word. "Trouble Cross" was written during the period 1996/2000 and "Rewind" during 2000/2004. I haven't written anything new in ages and I think I need to do so. I have 4 projects I could start and two of these I have at least dabbled in already.

A new novel or kid's stories? Which should I pursue. I have set up pages with the rough first drafts of what I have written thus far - in effect two chapters on both.

It would be good to know which direction to take. Anyone wishing to leave a comment on which is best or the most appealing, please do, or if neither are worthy , none of the above will do.

Thanks. And best wishes to all for 2014.