FOOTBALL? A FUNNY OLD GAME? (US TRANSLATION - SOCCER? MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU?)

"And welcome to the inaugural match of the new Deluxe Paints Primership. My name is John Dotson and this is football but not as we know it."

"How do you mean, John?"

"That viewers, is one of my co-commentators for today, Andrea Grey. And as she well knows this is a new league set up by the richest man in the world, Mustafa Zillions. Not content with just owning a football team like most billionaires, he has created his own league."

"And what can we expect from this new league, Dotty?"

"My other co-commentator, ladies and gentlemen, Don Atkins. Well, for all those of you who don't know, and I would think that very few in view of the wall to wall advertisements on Skye-Hi TV, this is a mixed veterans league. Yes, you heard it here. Men and women playing in the same team. Men over 35 and women over 30."

"That's what you call shaking the game up!"

"It certainly is Don. But there are some other changes to the rules that I won't go into now. It may be more interesting for the viewers if we explain these as and when they crop up."

"Precisely, John. That will get things buzzing. But would you call the fans at home viewers or readers? Are they viewing this or reading it. I would think the latter."

"Well Andrea, that can be a point for discussion at another time. The players are out warming up and we just need to nip back to the studio. Gary?"

"Thanks John," said Gary Goalgetter, as he turned to his guests in the studio, Alun Handsome and Lark Morrison. "Well, Alun. Here it is. What do you think of this new Vets League?"

"Well, Gary, I've said this before and I'll say it again. You can't win anything with vets. I think it's a bad idea."

"Lark? How do you sing on this one?"

"We will have to wait and see I think, Gary. With the diet and fitness regimes now players can go on for a lot longer, especially if they are not running all over the place after young whippersnappers."

"And Alun, what do you think of the teams then?"

"It's impossible to say at this point. The rule about not letting any ex professional players in means that we have nothing to go on."

"Yeah! What's that all about anyway?"

"Well, we'll just have to wait and see gentlemen. It's back to the stadium now for the teams and then hopefully some action. John?"

"Thanks Gary. Well, we do have the teams for you. For Manchester Unity, in goal is Petra Schmichael-Owen, then the back four is Willie Donkey on the left, centre backs Vinny Corporation and Steve Spruce, and on the right Gabriella Hinesbean. In the middle of the park we have Peter Weed and Carol Sikorsky. On the left wing is Bryan Riggs and on the right Waynetta Gooney. The two strikers are Erica King-Cantango and Dwayne Gooney. And, yes, before you ask Waynetta and Dwayne are related. Twins in fact."

"Everpool have Sheila Bubblebath in goal. Back four of Barry Tablet, Falon Anson, Dave Wattsup and Phillipa Wheel. Midfield is Steve Roadworks, Graeme Sourness, Sammi Leeway and Wanda Slimper. Up front Lynn Acre and Penny Dogleash."

"What about substitutes, John? I believe that there is something unusual there?"

"Definitely right there, Andrea.. It is roll on roll off substitutes, similar to any Saturday or Sunday amateur vets football. You can use as many as you like and the same player can go back on after being taken off. This means, of course, that the whole non starting squad can be on the bench."

"Must be one hell of a bench, Dotty!"

"You can be the judge of that, Don. On the Manchester bench in alphabetical order we have; Serge Aggro, Greville Breville, Mick Cannon, Jo Cardigan, Leigh Carp, Roberta Charleston, Carlo Cerveza, Stevie Doppleganger, Denise Flaw, Oleg Gunner-Sergeant, Alex Hackney, Mary Hailey, Ryan Hobson, Alan Ki, Louise Macaroni, Frances Pea, Rod Van Pistolboy, Rodney Quagmire, Colin Ringer, Miles Sequin, Brian Skidd, Marie-Ann Spaceship, Denny Stewart, Mike Winterski and last but not least, so I am led to believe, Georgie Zest."

"Everpool have on their bench: Joan Barnstorm, Pietro Beagle, Graeme Blunt, Jimney Caseworker, Kevin Cathill, Toni Cutie, Geri Evens, David Faircrack, Marie-Anne Fellover, Andy Fray, Peter Goatee, Rachel Hankie, Felicity Jagdriver, Kate Kennedy, Bob Matchball, Stevie McBarn, Timothy Molehill, Pat Never, Clementine Raymond, Jo Regal, Jamie Rucsack, Kevin Greedy, Neville Southpole, Hope Towel and John Walkover.

"The referee for today's prestige game is Mark Battenberg ably assisted by his assistants; Shawna Classy and Linda Looselace."

"Wow. That's a lot of names to remember, John."

"Luckily, I have them written down, Andrea. Hopefully, there will only be 22 players on the pitch at any one time."

"Obviously nothing of these players is known to the public. What can you tell us, John/"

"Not much I'm afraid, Andrea. For Manchester all I can tell you is that Riggs is their lethal weapon and Sikorsky is known as "Chopper" for her tackling. Schmichael -Owen can either play in goal or as a striker. Oh, and a couple of strange facts. Hinesbean wears number fifty seven even though there is only 36 in the squad and Alan Ki on the bench is known as Clive. By the way, Georgie Zest would be playing today but I understand is just back from injury. As for Everpool Lynn Acre and Dogleash are the ones to watch out for."

"Dotty, I've been looking down the list and if I'm right all the keepers other than one are female. Why is that do you think."

"I'm not certain, Don, but I guess it's because the ladies are more likely to keep clean sheets. By, the way Don, I understand that your son is on the management of the Manchester team?"

"Yes, that's right, Dotty. Assistant manager."

"Well, we'll certainly keep an eye out for him. I hope I'm not talking out of turn but I hear that he has a bit of a temper on him."

"Don't know where he gets it from, I'm sure. By the way, are Manchester Unity allowed to put a Ringer on the bench?"

"Apparently so. Anyway, readers slash viewers, it is nearly time for kick-off. The inaugural match in the Primership and it's coming up next. Live! In about a week or so after we have had a number of  hours worth of words from our sponsors."

INTERMISSION

Tune in next time for whistle stop action.

 (If you can't wait you need to download one of my books to be going on with. See previous entries.)

TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN

It is that time of year again. A time of reflection on things past and hopes for the future. It is a particular bad time for hundreds, maybe thousands of individuals who look back at 2013 and see nothing positive. And demoralised and devoid of  inspiration, all they see ahead in 2014 is a blank page.

The world needs these people to save us from the same old rehashed tales. They should be the creative lifeblood of literature, TV and film. They are the ideas people but only so few get through.

So make a difference in 2014 and sponsor a writer.

Everyone and is dog is writing a book these days. If there are that many writers around why are we treated to so many film remakes when there are so many new stories out there.

If you have a famous name from a different field then your chance of publication is far greater than someone having to work full time to survive and labours on their dream in their spare time. Once you have spent a few years on your creation, the pride of the finished article is soon diminished by the thick file of rejection letters from the literary agents. You have a better chance of getting someone from TOWIE to solve a simultaneous equation.

No problem, self publishing is easy these days. DIY or pay someone else to do it and then watch as the sales don't happen. If you are not a networker you may as well not have bothered as you wallow in the 300,000 plus rankings.

This blog - (please do not sue me under the Trade Descriptions Act) - arose from the need to market and get the word out there. Has it worked? Can England win the World Cup?

As you prepare for the New Year and wrestle with your finalising your resolutions, have a Kindley thought for those of us stranded down the Amazon without a canoe, let alone a paddle.

Just 97p will buy one e-book and if two thousand and fourteen people do that then it may be a Happy New Year.

It is so easy to sponsor a writer. No premium phonelines or text messages are required. Just follow the links.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Govember was a bust. Keycember has been a wash-out  - and I don't just mean the weather. Let's look forward to Fanuary - the month of the new followers.

Good luck to all who wander across here for 2014.

Nanu nanu.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS (OH NO IT'S NOT!)

Happy Birthday to Rewind
Happy Birthday Trouble Cross
Happy Birthday my E-books
But your sales are so dross.

Just a quickie to commemorate that my books were launched a year ago today.

The scores on the doors are "Rewind" 30 (UK 24 US 6) and "Trouble Cross" 17 (UK only) - although when I offered the latter for free for 2 days 95 were downloaded (UK 42 and US 53).

For anyone who feels sorry for me I am not proud and will accept a sympathy buy.

SPREAD A LITTLE CHRISTMAS KINDLENESS

Twas the day before the 18th night before Christmas.

First there was Stoptober, then there was Govember but now it's KEYCEMBER!

It is a Key month for me certainly. My e-books have been out a year and I need a boost up the rankings please.

Christmas is almost upon us and it's that time of year when one has trouble deciding whether to buy socks for the seventeenth time in a row or another Christmas jumper. Why not spread a little Kindleness this year. Buy your nearest and dearest a little Kindle and as a super surprise have it pre-loaded for them with a couple of 97p crackers.

Believe me, everyone will need something to read this year. The TV on Christmas Day probably rates about the worst I have ever seen. Oft seen films and repeats. ITV has repeats all day until 6.30 pm then it's an hour of Emmerdale Farmyawn, an hour of Coronation Chicken Street and two hours of Downturn Abbey. Do they think we are all soapheads and costume drama fiends. There is not one film premiere. The only thing worth watching is the new episode of Doctor Who on BBC1.

So every one get your Kindle out if you want a laugh this Christmas. You know the title by now but just in case a new person has stumbled across this blog on the landscape. Nudge nudge link link.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/REWIND-DAVID-A-WARDLE-ebook/dp/B00ANX65M6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/TROUBLE-CROSS-David-A-Wardle-ebook/dp/B00ANXF5CC

Thank you for your Kindle attention.

In other news the Everton A team beat the Everton B team and brought us to an all time low, or it certainly feels that way. All I want for Christmas is our team back. I was just about to give up on this season and think, roll on Brazil, but then came the draw. I don't think I'll be getting to jungle fever pitch this time either.

Anyway, Carry On Christmas Shopping and you know what to put on the list.

Nanu nanu.